Harold Cerda was attacked by a bear this week after taking a shit. Harold stopped at a roadside outhouse on a ranch in Stonewall, Colorado, and went in to use the facilities. When he came out, a black bear knocked him on his ass. Harold made a break for it, and beat the bear to his car, where he found that the bear had gotten into the car through an open window and eaten his lunch. Imagining the sheer terror of this moment is my favorite part of this story. Harold has an older car and power windows, and he says:
"All four windows were down and they go up real slow. I got them up just in time."
Dude. Try to imagine it. You're sitting there in what remains of your lunch, which is scattered all over the front seat, your neck and shoulder are fucked from bear claw wounds, bleeding all over. You just barely (heh) make it to your car, start it, and the windows are describing a slow, majestic incline towards your eventual safety, as a huge and angry piece of nature comes to kill you, getting steadily larger all the time. Let's just say Harold's car interior is glad Harold was just coming from an outhouse. Harold got away from the bear, and has no ill will, despite having some possibly permanent (it almost always is) nerve damage, and trouble moving his right arm. He figures he just startled the bear, popping out of the outhouse like that. Which sounds plausible. Bear finds car with open windows and food in it (Harold's only mistake - other than stopping to take pix of the damn thing - as far as I can tell) eats food, goes sniffing for more food. Smells a box with a person and some other interesting smells coming out, waits. (I figure that living in the forest, shit and food might not smell all that different to a bear sometimes.) Gets a door in the face, gets startled, takes a swing at the guy. All the blood and running and screaming piss it off, so it comes back - or maybe it didn't finish the guy's lunch.
Nevertheless, Local Asshole Wildlife Guy Bob (Dick) Holder is going to destroy the bear. This annoys me. One guy leaves his lunch out, a whole agency overreacts, and they want to kill a bear - for safety's sake. Hey, what about following the bear rules, reprinted in one of these articles? Leave the fucking bears alone, Bob. Compared to nature, we are nothing, Bob, so step off and save your posturing for killing a forest fire or something. "Hey look - a problem! Let's kill it!"
Details of this story come from here and here, and I'm hoping either Matt or Cayce will be inspired by this to put their bear story in the comments. It's better than this one, and no bears get killed.