Fast food is a major part of the American experience, something we farm out to other countries like TV, jeans, and Disney. Even so, I know people who refuse to eat fast food, and I understand why. I also know people who've lived on the stuff, and I have certainly had more than my share. Especially recently, what with a couple of recent road trips. It's a little scary, though. Every time I think the fast food industry has topped itself, it comes up with another triple-stacker, extra gooey cheese bomb to shoot right up your ass and save time. A new pinnacle has been reached recently with Sonic's Frito Chili Cheese Wrap and Tots value meal for $2.99. In case you were confused, the only actual food here is the wrap, which made of flour. Everything else is Fritos and fake cheese food with chili (?) crammed into a tiny space and passed off as lunch. This will damage your large intestine and self-image, which is one of the many reasons fast food is so fucking scary. And as if a flour tortilla stuffed with fucking chips wasn't enough for you, here are some deep-fried compacted potato shreds on the side. Enjoy!
Sauces at these places are starting to bother me a little. Of course, there's the ever-present Ketchup with it's urban legends of cockroach parts and spider eggs, but accompanying this now are mayo, light mayo, mustard, Tabasco, and various salsas. Taco Bell's sauces flirt with you, but have basically just been watered-down hot sauces for years. Arby's sauce bothers me a little, inasmuch as it sounds like something that might get left on you by a gigolo. It makes no effort to tell you what it even is. It's Arby's sauce. Good luck, fucker. At least that's been around for awhile. What about this shit Burger King serves now in a container just marked "Zesty?" An adjective is not a name for a sauce. It's just scary.
Speaking of Burger King, what the hell is going on with fast food breakfast? What hack team of scientists asserted that we were undernourished in the AM, and thus needed much bigger food? How else can you account for the disgusting Enormous Omelet Sandwich? Or Hardee's Loaded Breakfast Burrito? Was something wrong with breakfast that would actually fit in a person's mouth? What species do they test these new products on? Apes? "Apes really love the new Fat-Ass Double Meal Morning Wrap from Slider's, and you will, too!" And what the fuck is up with McGriddles? We failed some kind of test when we accepted the McRib, folks. Now they think we'll swallow anything. And I guess we will, at that. I bet the Russians don't eat the fucking McRib.
Chick-Fil-A, believe it or not, scares me the least of these places - I've just about decided I like them. They support good public programming, have playgrounds and good hiring practices, give everyone Sundays off. The food's non-mysterious because they know that you already know what the secret ingredient is over at Chick-Fil-A: Christ. There's a little bit of the blood of the lamb in every Original Chicken Sandwich, and don't you forget it, you heathen fucks.
Wendy's is fairly inoffensive - you can get a baked potato there, but they give you "buttery spread" to put on it. It's not butter - it's buttery. So's a biscuit, assholes! But a baked spud? That's honest, at least. KFC serves this weird whipped mush that's supposed to have potatoes in it, but I saw Irish people picketing last week over there. (And what the hell is this "bowl of every fucking thing" they're hawking now?) McFood still dumps zesty meat sauce in their fries, while Arby's peddles "potato cakes" that resemble neither potatoes or cakes, really, and are just an important vehicle for the most important component of a fast food meal - after fat, of course - salt! Why, if you haven't gotten three times as much as your heart can take per meal from the fat and salt groups, you must be a goddamn socialist or something; safe bet you ain't eatin' fast food, I can tell you that!
Now that you're thirsty, you can order something to drink off the Wendy's drink menu, which recently underwent some changes. Now, 20 oz. of fluid is a small, 32 is a medium, and, having eliminated the Biggie (like this guy did), the large is 42 fucking ounces, which will kill you. The idea, actually, is that you take it with you and suck on it all day and by three o'clock you will be enjoying tepid icy backwash. But it'll be a value, goddammit!