Pastor Mark Driscoll, of the Mars Hill Church out of Seattle, has a booklet out called Porn Again Christian that asserts that if you're a guy who jerks off, you might just be gay. You know, because you had sex with yourself, and you're a guy, and if you have sex with guys and you're a guy...gay. Right?
Pastor Mark (who was raised Catholic and now wears the popular anti-Papist character Mickey Mouse as a totem) is one of the founders and pastors of Mars Hill, one of those fucksgusting megablight churches that looks to propagate itself above all else. His theology, such as it is, is convoluted, coming as it does from his presumably rejected Catholic upbringing, his seminary education (which I always felt was about as valid as my comic book education - I know a lot about imaginary stuff, too) and his "post-modern" interpretation of John Calvin and the Bible itself in order to score Gen X converts, because they're younger and last longer and can make / get you more converts.
I urge you to read the booklet, especially chapter 5, which goes well with an egg sandwich. It's hilarious. Pastor Mark is involved in the most strenuous kind of mental twisting in this thing, but all of his attentions are confined to guys (much as a gay man's would be) and while he addresses female masturbation he comes right out and says that's not what he's here to deal with - he's here to deal with the men. To wit;
Lust, previously a deadly sin (you all saw the movie) apparently has an "unbiblical" component which is a sin, which implies a biblical component, which is...not? So lust is alright sometimes? When it's in Song of Solomon or you're with your wife - YES. Lust all you want, we'll make more.
Yes, he also says, you might just gay right up if you fuck your hand, because it's your hand, and that's part of you and therefore the same sex as you. (Fucking your severed hand is not covered in the text.) Lonely jerking off (without the blessing and presence of your wife) is always a sin, and your hand is male. Except in other languages, one would point out, hands have gender which doesn't switch with their owners. So they can't always be gay. Unless you talk to Pastor Mark, who says your hands are always gay - to you. Except when they're not!
Because your hand isn't gay if you fuck it while you're with your wife, 'cause then you're focused on her and it's an extension of your marital "oneness." So you will be assimilated, and while porn is a sin (adultery) if it involves total strangers, it's solid for your wife to slip nudie shots into your luggage for a business trip so's youse can whack off to those. So - it's gay if it's just you on your mind, but not gay if your wife's there, or even if you have her naked picture. Handy. So to speak. One wonders if you can get around the gay hand thing by picturing it in your mind as your wife's vagina. A question for Pastor Mark, who likes to say things like "Don't sin, but have fun," so good luck with that.
If you have a wet dream, it might be a sin because of what you put in your head all day long. So, if you're checking out the women you work with (not a sin), even if it's respectfully and with you're keeping your sexual urges and thoughts to yourself, and you made it all the way through nighttime television without touching yourself, and you kept your hands free and un-gay all the way through that late-night pony show, and then you go to bed and soil the linens while asleep - it's your fucking fault. Perv.
Pastor Mark actually asks the question: "Can you masturbate without shame?" Apparently oblivious to his travels through a world of people who rub one out all the time and will fucking tell you about it. The answer is YES, Pastor Mark, and I didn't need the Bible to get there. I think what he means is "Can you masturbate without me confusing the shit out of you about it?" And of course, the answer there is a resounding "Hell, No." (Bolding makes things resound.)
In conclusion, then: Jerking Off Alone is Not Okay, because it makes you lazy, narcissistic, a premature ejaculator and possibly gay. Also, because men are incurable sex monsters who are enslaved by semen production and the more we jerk off, the more we'll have to jerk off, until there's no more politics, religion, industry, art or society to speak of, just a world awash in ankle-deep spunk. We can't help it, God made us this way, gay hands and all. Jerking Off with Your Wife (or her naked picture): Okay, as long as it extends your oneness under God, which is always the first thing on every guy's mind when sporting an erection. That sexy God.
Thanks, Pastor Mark!