I was driving home from class today hungry, so I was checking every place on my route with any kind of food, and since it was lunchtime, all of the lines at the various fast food places were long, like windy snakes of hungry cars. One was extra long, though - the line for Chick-fil-A. It actually went out onto the feeder road in front of the little strip mall that it's in front of, it was so long. In rapid succession then, inside my brains: "Wow, they have a little protocol for how to not block the road while they wait. Wonder what's so awesome about the Fil-A compared to say, Wendy's which is right next door? Or Steak and Shake? Or that mom and pop sandwich place? Is there crack in the food? Probably a bunch of assholes looking for a gay-free lunch. I bet that's a long line of cars filled with all straight people."
By which point I had turned around and found a parking space. I got out and knocked on the window of the first car:
ME: Hi, are you heterosexual?
LADY: What is this?
ME: Just asking.
LADY: Yes, now -
ME: (walking away, knocking again)
ME: Excuse me, are you a heterosexual?
GUY: No, I mean, yeah - why?
ME: Which is it? I need to know for my results.
GUY: What results? I'm married.
ME: To a woman?
ME: Awesome. (next car) Hi, are you a heterosexual?
MAN: (laughing) Yes, I am.
ME: Are you here for a specifically gay-free lunch?
ME: Did you know that Chick-Fil-A has expressly said that they don't want gay people coming to their place here even though it's common knowledge that many gay people have green money and eat poultry?
MAN: (line moving forward) Really?
ME: Yup. (moves away) Hello, miss, are you a heterosexual?
WOMAN: (from behind window) I'm not rolling down my window!
ME: Understood, but are you straight, though?!?
WOMAN: Yes, go away!
ME: Did you know that Chick-Fil-A donates a not insignificant amount of money to anti-gay groups?
ME: So you're a homophobe, then? A hungry homophobe?
EMPLOYEE: Sir? You can't stand here.
ME: Why? I'm not gay.
EMPLOYEE: It's illegal to block the line.
ME: I'm following the line backwards. And what do you mean, 'illegal?'
EMPLOYEE: I think you're trespassing if you don't buy something, sir.
ME: I can't support your anti-gayness, Chick-fil-Clerk; but I will return to harass your homophobic customers! (stalked away to my car)
So this did no good, but I feel better.