Pastor Sean Harris of the Berean Baptist Church (pictured here talking about his recent trip to the boys' showers) made headlines the other day (which was probably always the plan) with his comments about beating homosexual tendencies out of the children of Christians. While the propensity to do such a thing is not news nor even rare, talking about it where everyone can put you on the Internet for it is just stupid, so now we all get to act like preachers like this doorknob are a rarity.
There's nothing even remotely special about Pastor Sean - the garden-variety hate he preaches is pretty standard for deep South Baptists, and his 180 turnaround and full retraction are pretty par for the course in a 24 hour news environment.
What's really interesting about Pastor Sean is that he's the first volunteer for a revolutionary new program being offered by Squidbag Solutions (which is wholly owned by Squidbag Enterprises, DBA Squidbag Group, global pioneers in Bockwursting and Field Screaming) wherein intolerant straight motherfuckers take a series of skull-crackingly focused courses designed to help them reject their hateful heterosexual lifestyles and become completely gay.
"It's a fairly easy procedure," said (not a) Dr. Garrett Crowell, wearing a plastic stethoscope from his daughter's doctor dress-up kit, "we 'Hate Away the Straight™' in a series of physically and psychologically demanding intimidation and violence sessions that eventually culminate in the subject becoming more open-minded, or dying, and more to the point, an order of magnitude more fabulous. Ultimately, everyone benefits as the subjects become more interesting and fun to be around, stage parades and shows, and the hope is, pass the evolutionary gayness along to the next generation. Somehow. We're still working on that."
The newly-established Squidbag Clinic in a basement will be offering several "Coloring Your Rainbow" sessions a month, tailored to help currently straight social conservatives give up their damaging lifestyle and embrace a new path to being productive gay citizens. "It starts with them ponying up a truckload of cash money," said (not a) Dr. Crowell, brandishing a pink bejeweled baseball bat, "which symbolizes their deep and pure commitment to the process and my revolutionary procedure. Besides, these 1% fucks can afford it. We move on then to a series of exercises in science, sociology, sexuality, gender studies, musical theater, alternative media, and yes, even riding crop beatings in order to make it clear to these conservatives that even if they don't want to go the full gay, so to speak, that their current lifestyles are too destructive - to themselves and everyone else around them - to continue. The last bit is up to them - after all, it's their choice to make."
Critics of the procedure have argued that being conservative is natural for some people, and that people are born straight and can't really change, but the Squidbag Clinic is committed to social transformation, and has responded to this initally with more beatings and repeated heavy drinking.