I wasn't previously aware of it, but apparently, there's a big contest going on to see which of the United(?) States is the stupidest fucking one we have, and then they've agreed to crop-dust it with painkillers, pop music, booze, bombs, sterilizing agents and lethal radiation. Not really, but I wish that sometimes.
ILLINOIS: Illinois got their entry in early, when a Catholic Bishop (not one of those firebrand MethoBaptiChrister fucks) said that President Obama was waging a cultural war on religion, and that Catholic Masses could go the way of the dinosaur under his administration, comparing him to Hitler and Stalin, a comparison that one thinks would probably have upset Hitler and Stalin. This entry is under review, of course, due to the automatic review process started with any evocation of Godwin's Law. (His language about Christians huddling and hiding solely in the confines of their churches gave me a funny little tingle, though.)
ARIZONA: Arizona's entry came in last week, when its lawmakers decided that life begins two weeks before conception, or roughly when married couples with kids start making plans to spend time together alone with the barest possibility of sex. The idea here, of course, is to limit a woman's right to an abortion even further, where soon only women who aren't pregnant will be able to get them. The determinant is an impossible to accomplish overreaction to a perceived problem - just like all other recent Arizona legislation.
KANSAS: Not to be outdone, Gov. Sam Brownback signed a bill this month making it legal for pharmacists to refuse to sell any drug to a woman that they believed could cause an abortion. Now, if Dorothy wakes up from a threesome with a munchkin, a flying monkey and the Scarecrow, there's no morning after pill for her unless she knows her non-asshole pharmacist personally. Proponents of the ruling describe it as a furtherance of previously standing laws making it clear that no one should be required to participate in abortions, which is interesting, since by denying Dorothy the drugs, you're just about requiring that she participate in an actual abortion. The obvious natural extension of this law would restrict the sales of certain herbs, teas, coat hangers and bleach.
FLORIDA: The marching band at Florida A&M has been forced to suspend its program for another year after some of the band members beat a guy to death during fucking hazing. I don't even know why we have the word hazing, since bullying is synonymous and everyone's angry about that. Hazing is just bullying to see if you're good enough for the bullies; you want to affect change, call it what the hell it is. They're proposing a lot of staff and rules changes before the band can come back - strangely missing: Prohibiting Hazing.
NEW YORK: The Republicunt Party there has nominated the estranged husband of a current Democratic assembly member from Nassau County to run against her this fall. This couple shares the same last name still and has been separated for less than a year, but the folks responsible for this little American travesty of marriage and politics assure us that Schmucko the Candidate "will run a dignified and issue-oriented campaign." I don't know how many divorced and divorcing couples you've ever been around in your life, but I can smell the bullshit on this one from here. They can't even order lunch together mostly, much less run against one another for office. Congrats, NY GOP - you just turned this race into an episode of Maury fucking Povitch.
OKLAHOMA: Republican Congressman James Lankford recently told a reporter that not only does he still believe homosexuality is a choice, but that if one makes that choice, one ought to be fired from one's job, which is going to be awesome when they catch him with an officeful of rent boys. Seems to me, though, the worst thing about being gay is that it makes straight people fucking stupid. Since Obama's support of gay marriage from last week, there's just been a slew of outright ignorance and stupidity flying around, and sometimes, you hear someone like Lankford, who, as an elected official, enters his state in the contest with his comments.
TENNESSEE: Flying high on the strength of the ongoing efforts by the Mosqueteers, Tennessee's governor Bill HasBeen decided to essentially outlaw "gateway sexual activity" in an effort to reduce teen pregnancies. Presumably, this would cover hugging, kissing, touching, necking, fondling, touching, dry humping, over clothing handjobs and rubbing, touching, and lots of kinds of sitting and dancing. I got news for you, Bill: You REALLY want to see a jump in teen sexual activity? Take away all of the stuff on this list. Tell people they can't do it, and watch frustration levels climb until people are just like, "Fuck it, let's fuck. That's not illegal." Yet.
A couple of honorable mentions, here: Pastor Paul Cameron, working for the Family Research Council out of our nation's capitol, grabs his lectern and says that he thinks the President is gay and that gays should be locked up before they rape kids - so, by extension, the President needs to be in preventative gay kid rape prison. I can't remember any time before in my life that the right was this desperate: "He's not from America! No? Okay, he's a Muslim, then! No? He's gay? Yeah, let's try that." There's also international stupidity going on when Lady Gaga has to cancel a sold-out show in Indonesia because Islamic lawmakers think she'll corrupt the youth with sexiness. I'm pretty sure that's her whole act - how did this show get booked in the first place? Also, out of Britain, John Limey Horrorface declares that white people in charge of shit historically works best and is the way to go, embracing the term "White Supremacist." I gotta be honest, here - I sometimes no longer know if conservative pundits know they're being ridiculous. Did he think there was a point to be made here, or did he just wake up pissed at non-whites one day?
I'm not sure when the voting in the contest takes place, you'll have to check with my office staff.