(This was the speech I had to give to my public speaking class today. Public speaking is a gen/ed requirement, and today's assignment was "sell something using Monroe's Motivated Sequence.")
(Holds up 4x6 index card with an infinitesimally small, unreadable word on it) Can you read this? Of course you can't, because you have a visual impairment, just like me and millions of other Americans. Night or day, rain or shine, reading, birdwatching, vigilante archery or taking in an outdoor sporting event; everybody sometimes needs some visual assistance!
Well, if you're like me - and I think we've established that you are - then you know that the worst thing about having glasses is losing glasses because you have to find them just to find them and that's impossible without a time machine - but we've got people working on that (points at girl giving a time machine speech later). What I'm really saying, like a lot of you at this point is: There's got to be a better way!
Now, I have the answer to your problem, the solution to your question, the magic elixir of synergy that's going to help you find all of the missing glasses that plague your life! Step right up and take a look and listen at the Amazing Echometer®! This astonishing device, invisible to the naked eye, attaches anywhere on your glasses frames and it's ready to go! Based on the echolocation solution provided to us by Mother Nature and exhibited by the furry and friendly vampire bat, the Amazing Echometer® sounds off when you do!
The moment you lose your glasses, simply sing out - HEY! - (Joshua in the back makes 'PING' sound with his laptop) and the Echometer® will answer back using patented EchoTronic® technology that identifies, triangulates and locates your lost glasses - it can't fail! Don't want to yell? Echometer® can be keyed to respond to embarrassed grunts and muttered profanity, common sounds made when glasses are lost. Don't like the noise it makes? Celebrity voices and top 40 hits will be available in the Spring of 2013.
Look, I know how you are now; blindly stumbling about like Frankenstein using Braille, hoping against hope not to crush your glasses into powder. With Echometer®, there's no more crawling around on the rug like a dog on all fours, no running red lights in front of Johnny Law, and no more contributing to Dr. Spectacles yacht fund buying new glasses! You'll be standing around - master of all you survey with your perfect vision - wondering how you ever lived without it!
So - how can you start your new life and bright future today? Call 1-989-ECHOMETER, or www.echometer.com - we have people standing by; don't waste another minute on scams or scrambling - order the Amazing Echometer® today!