"Warning: Use of this explosive as finale will lead to laughter from neighbors."
"Your Guess is as good as Ours."
"Appears to be dud; isn't."
"Potential Freddy Krueger Face Within."
"Advisory: Fizzles and Pops Unimpressively."
"Scatters Ash over Neighborhood Indiscriminately."
"Best when combined with corn syrup and fertilizer."
"Firework will smoke like a punk for 5 minutes, then explode when no one is looking."
"Fun Increased by Tying Fuses Together."
"Place face DIRECTLY Over Firework when Lighting."
"Explosives are a great segue."
"Remember to light in populated areas at least two days before appropriate holiday."
"Designed to vanish over neighborhood treeline."
"Irrevocably marks paint, skin, hair, siding, concrete, wallets."
"Roman Candles can be held in mouth."
"Warning: Never Goes Out."
"Good luck, sucker."
Loud Global Imperialism
Just Pointless Smoke
Just Annoying Sounds
The Second Coming
From Last Year
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow
James Brown at the Apollo 11
Rain of Voodoo Hellfire
Flaming Eagle Vomit
Immediate Traumatic Stress Disorder
The Wolf Blitzer
The Sol Rosenberg
The Katy Perry
Death from Below
Ignored Safety Warning
Quintet of Similar Bang Sounds
Pull Up G-12
Enough Purple Fucking Sparks
Prolonged Golden Showers
Drunken Freedom Happening
Hate not Heritage
Cock Rocket Happy
Cheap Chinese Import
Run, You Moron
Goodtime American Fortune Blaster
Is That What It Does?