Today, next to the pumps at the Exxon gas station on Scenic Highway in Pensacola, an asshole got himself smacked. Not smacked exactly per se...but then, you'll see what I mean.
I had stopped to get gas, as my car was doing the engine shudder it does when low on fuel. See, the fuel gauge does not work in the Olds, so I have to guess (when the odometer gets to around 300 miles or so) when I am out, and fill it all the way up. I stopped, filled it up, and went inside to pay and buy some water. When I came out, some Pensacola asshole had the edge of one of my stickers (pictured here) peeled up. Go look at the sticker, then come back. I don't want to spend a lot of time explaining it, and you should buy one anyway.
Okay, so nutboy is peeling off my sticker, so I begin our friendly chat with "What the fuck do you imagine you're doing?" As I toss my water (closed) in through the open driver's side window and walk around to the back of the car. He actually says, "Nobody should have this on their car." while looking me dead in the face. At this moment, two things happened. A part of my brain I haven't used in years flicked on and said, "Hello. Here are some options," and, at the same time, I think I focused all of my hostility against this place at this one guy. I really wanted to do the Sydney Bristow from season one thing with the car antenna flick, (incredibly bad-ass cool) but I didn't know if I could pull that off, so I, with keys in hand already, opened the trunk instead, bonking him on the head and arm. He straightened up, bonked himself again, and by that time I was there, standing on his foot, pulling that thumb back, and recommending that he "fuck off now, before you get really hurt, here in front of everybody."
I know that this is not the typical adult solution to the problem, but for the cheap seats, I don't really want to be a typical adult. I think a little assault, now and again, kind of livens things up for everyone. Namely, me. (If I had had my wife or kid with me, different story.) In addition, it's kind of fun to watch someone try to get into a red VW Rabbit in a big hurry while saying "You all saw that," repeatedly to a parking lot full of people trying to stay out of whatever's going on while they pump their gas. The sight of his "Bush/Cheney" sticker receeding into the distance filled me with the conviction that we all must fight, everyday, be it with words, protests, fists, or trunk lids. I'd like to say that I'm not proud of the way I handled this, but apparently, I am deeply, deeply flawed, since I cannot say that. I have an incredible ego boost right now. I'm going to go park my car on the road and hide behind the shrubs, lying in wait for social and political conservatives.
And just to clarify: No, I don't think that ALL conservatives are going around ripping off stickers and pulling up signs. However, this is the sixth incident of this kind since we moved here involving my left-of-center materials, so you can see from whence comes my hostility. "I got a right to be hostile!"
It's not the first time I've hit someone with part of my car, (yeah, I know what you're thinking) but the last time I cracked my elbow pretty badly. That Hollywood shit never works like you think it will. So this time was much better. Also, this renews my relationship with the Olds. I had been pissed at it since it beat me up in the rain, and so for it to function like this when I needed it reaffirms my love for the car. I think we're done fighting.