Those who have been acquainted with me for any length of time will know that I have long wished for my own fatwa. Everybody seems to have them these days, and I want one of my own. And now I have one. I am issuing a fatwa against that hypocritical fuck, Pat Robertson, who is lower than the grubs under the dead rosemary bush I just ripped out of my backyard.
Pat, (shown here covering the hole in his chest where he was staked in his coffin a few years back) has recently hit the news pages again for issuing a fatwa of his own against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, apparently because he thinks Hugo is paranoid (I have readers who are qualified enough to name whatever condition it is when you think someone should die because you think they're paranoid.) and because Hugo's country has oil we ought to have. This alone should be enough to get one of you to go and kill Pat for me, but I also have...let's see...twenty-three dollars. Twenty-three bucks to the first person who brings me Pat Robertson's head, so I can crack open his puny skull and shit on his empty braincase. Rumsfeld condemned the statement, presumably miffed that Pat's nutty enough to give away our evil plans, and the stauch defenders of the faith like the Christian Coalition, Family Research Council and Jesus' Buddies, Inc. were "too busy to comment."
In case all of this isn't enough to spur you people to action and bring me back Pat's head, here's some other shit he's said along the way that should make you want to fill his head with dogshit and staple his mouth shut;
"The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers?" Jefferson had slaves, right? Another reason to avoid deism, I suppose.
"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers." So any of you homosexuals who are in church to worship or go to weddings and stuff? Better get on the ball, son. You've got infecting and spitting to do.
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist." This man is a public speaker. He has a television show. "This, that and the other thing?" You fucking moron. Oh, and apparently my grandmother is the Antichrist. And so were my in-laws for a brief period. All I want to know is; if they're the Antichrist, what the fuck does that make me?
"Many of those people involved with Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals – the two things seem to go together." It's the robes. You put a man in a dress, and it's a slippery slope from there. I ever tell you about the time I fucked Anton LaVey? Man, I get more gay sex at those Satanist gatherings...whooh.
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different...More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." Except for the part about the Liberals having no army and not killing anyone and nobody being born (unless it's again) Christian - you can see where's he's coming from with this one, right? I mean, Hillary...Hitler? Yeah? You see that, right? Man - it makes you think. And wait a minute - the Christian minority in America?
And everybody's favorite, the classic: "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." I don't want my wife to leave, and that infanticide thing sounds harsh, but I don't really see any problems with the rest of the feminist agenda. "Kill their children?" I think Pat is smoking some bad shit. I think Jesus would kill your ass, Pat.