squidbag

Idiots Doom Bear

Harold Cerda was attacked by a bear this week after taking a shit.  Harold stopped at a roadside outhouse on a ranch in Stonewall, Colorado, and went in to use the facilities.  When he came out, a black bear knocked him on his ass.  Harold made a break for it, and beat the bear to his car, where he found that the bear had gotten into the car through an open window and eaten his lunch.  Imagining the sheer terror of this moment is my favorite part of this story.  Harold has an older car and power windows, and he says:

"All four windows were down and they go up real slow.  I got them up just in time."

Dude.  Try to imagine it.  You're sitting there in what remains of your lunch, which is scattered all over the front seat, your neck and shoulder are fucked from bear claw wounds, bleeding all over.  You just barely (heh) make it to your car, start it, and the windows are describing a slow, majestic incline towards your eventual safety, as a huge and angry piece of nature comes to kill you, getting steadily larger all the time.  Let's just say Harold's car interior is glad Harold was just coming from an outhouse.  Harold got away from the bear, and has no ill will, despite having some possibly permanent (it almost always is) nerve damage, and trouble moving his right arm.  He figures he just startled the bear, popping out of the outhouse like that.  Which sounds plausible.  Bear finds car with open windows and food in it (Harold's only mistake - other than stopping to take pix of the damn thing - as far as I can tell) eats food, goes sniffing for more food.  Smells a box with a person and some other interesting smells coming out, waits.  (I figure that living in the forest, shit and food might not smell all that different to a bear sometimes.)  Gets a door in the face, gets startled, takes a swing at the guy.  All the blood and running and screaming piss it off, so it comes back - or maybe it didn't finish the guy's lunch.

Nevertheless, Local Asshole Wildlife Guy Bob (Dick) Holder is going to destroy the bear.  This annoys me.  One guy leaves his lunch out, a whole agency overreacts, and they want to kill a bear - for safety's sake.  Hey, what about following the bear rules, reprinted in one of these articles?  Leave the fucking bears alone, Bob.  Compared to nature, we are nothing, Bob, so step off and save your posturing for killing a forest fire or something.  "Hey look - a problem!  Let's kill it!"

Details of this story come from here and here, and I'm hoping either Matt or Cayce will be inspired by this to put their bear story in the comments.  It's better than this one, and no bears get killed.

Could Also be Called "The Geek Test"

What have I read?
These are the 25 most popular scifi books at What Should I Read Next?

I liked it!

I didn't like it!

I want to read it!

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams

The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling

Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card

The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien

Neuromancer - William Gibson

American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis

Dune - Frank Herbert

Good Omens - Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman

Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

The Princess Bride - William Goldman

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell - Susanna Clarke

Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman

The Eyre Affair - Jasper Fforde

Pattern Recognition - William Gibson

A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin

The Diamond Age - Neal Stephenson

Cat's Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut

The Stand - Stephen King

Stranger in a Strange Land - Robert Heinlein

The Colour of Magic - Terry Pratchett

Take the 'What have I read?' test now!
Eight different categories to try!

Snowjob

So - the White House has replaced McClellan, who replaced Fleisher.  They're bringing in Tony Snow, most recently of the "Foul and Biased" coverage over at the Fox News Network. He's a commentator, not a journalist, first an anchor, then the main guy on his own radio show.  He's a committed conservative, but it's difficult to know whether or not he's a true believer.  He's certainly had some colorful things to say about President Monkeyface in recent times - but then, that was his job.  As much as Fox claims to be a News outlet, we also know that they exist to entertain, and a radio host who just agrees with the power structure all the time would be boring.  This is a guy who used to record the "conservative POV" spots for NPR, even.  He's a mouthpiece, capable of falling into the required groove, and he's a calculated move for this administration. 

McClellan was beginning to exude the air of a man who's explaining where the lifeboats are to a roomful of people who want to know why there are so few lifeboats.  We knew he wouldn't last.  Snow, on the other hand, is a consummate professional talker, capable of coming off as likable, funny, and even upbeat to "Pollyannaish," hard as that is to picture.  (She breaks her fucking neck at the end, so there's always hope, I guess.)  He's anxious to work the press corps, and I think we're going to see the Administration try to be subtle, now.  "We're still not telling you anything, and we're still toeing the line as far as the President's daily message, but here's a better talk monkey.  Ask him questions, and you'll smell far less desperation.  He might even tell a joke.  Tell a joke, talk monkey!"

I know.  You're wondering how I think this can be a move towards subtlety after they blatantly turn the press briefings into the Fox Network.  It seems to me that the collective mindset of this administration can be boiled down into three tenets: Do What You Must, Give Nothing Up, and Never Admit Fault, now amended to (unless You Shoot a Guy In the Face, then Admit a Little).  If you can slap a smiley sugar coating on that, I think that's Monkeyface Subtlety for you.  When the Prez does his goofy grin and "aw-shucks" thing while he's fucking us?  I think this is like that.

Probably Some Kind of Sign.

I put this in here because, after I told my mom this story, she said I should put it on my blog.  That's right - for those of you who had forgotten, my mom reads my blog.  And she's still my mom.  "You blog your mother with that mouth?"  Apparently, yes - I do.  Hi, Mom.  (Typically, she doesn't comment - like the one Japanese reader I have who turned me on to Tomoyasu Hotei recently - I have these people who don't comment, have read since before the password protection went into effect, and are still with me.  As much as I wish everyone would load up the comments field, I love all my readers like we were at Jonestown together.  Let them hear it in the night!)

Three weeks (when you don't sleep much, time is meaningless, so everything over a few days ago happened "three weeks" ago if you ask me; from April Fool's to the signing of the Magna Carta - "oh yeah, like three weeks ago, wasn't it?") or so ago, I was on my way to run a morning errand on a Saturday.  I had left my cell phone at work, and we needed milk, cheese and raisins (my wife is pregnant).  It was raining, but not much.  There were a lot of lightning strikes, though.

I was listening to Car Talk and passing a Nissan when lightning struck my car.  "There wuz a bright light, then everything changed..."  If you get the sense that I've been behaving differently since this, it's because it was actually aliens or the CIA.  You might ask how I know I was struck by lightning (or rather, the car was struck - BIG goddamn difference, I suspect), and the answer is, I don't.  Here's what I know;

There was a lightning storm happening at the time.
For a second, there was a blinding white flash (at like, 10AM) and I couldn't see.
My radio crapped out, and every light on the dash came on.
The hair on my arms and neck stood up.
Later, many of my car's fuses were burnt slightly, and had to be replaced.
When I looked around, everyone in the other cars was staring at me.
One guy mouthed, "lightning."

I wasn't blaspheming (specifically) at the time, and I wasn't asking for it, as far as I know.  I'm going to take it as an omen, (since there were so many before moving here that I fucking well missed) and add it to my "this is why we need to move" list.  I am wondering, though, if anyone knows the statistical likelihood of being at the center of a lightning strike while moving at roughly 50 to 60 mph.

Anyway, I promise not to get near your magnetic media or computers if I come visit you.

Iron Man

For those of you who managed to miss Warren Ellis being teamed with Adi Granov on Marvel's Iron Man title from last year (or so), you fucking blew it.  It's a good, tight, technically savvy story with the most beautiful Iron Man armor and some of the most repugnant bad guy effects shots I've ever seen in a comic book.  I know I got Brian and Kate to buy the first part, and I kept JB up late reading it while he was here - but the rest of you need to get on the stick.  You don't need to know anything else about Iron Man to appreciate and enjoy this story.  (Apparently this will be out in August - it'll take you less time than that to go to a comic store or get it from here.  You only need the first six.)

Additionally, the Ultimate Universe's Golden Avenger (all you need to know is that Marvel has a couple of different universes running simultaneously) recently got his origin treatment from none other than Orson Scott Card and Andy Kubert.  While this story isn't as good in my opinion, it is kind of compelling - and it's totally freaking biologically weird, too.  Typical.  JB tells me we're meant to be mad at Card, and if anyone can find why, post it in comments.  'Til then, go and get this and read it.

Finally, there was talk of Tom "his mind must be on a" Cruise starring in the upcoming Iron Man movie as Tony Stark.  As you might well imagine, this made me upset - though not as much as the Travolta as Captain America rumor.  Now, it seems that his couch-jumping, crazy-prattling, Scientology-spewing shitmouth may have cost him a job, since he's no longer listed as being attached to the project.  Yay!!!  'Til then, you can get your movie Iron Man fix from the animated Ultimate Avengers movie that came out earlier this year.  In terms of animated features, there are certainly better, but this one is engaging, and might be the best adapted superhero animation feature film since Return of the Joker or Mask of the Phantasm.

Weekend Meme #2

I got this meme from Erin, hence the picture (ca. 1996), which features at least three people who may not want their picture up here.  Complain if you think it'll help.

1. What is your favorite spread for toast?  Steak.  Mmmm...Steak Toast.  No, not really.  Actually, it's room-temperature honey butter.

2. Describe your umbrella.  It's a trenchcoat.  I don't really like to bring anything that won't fit in my pockets.  I'm waiting for my blog to get that small.

3. What piece of jewelry do you wear every day?  My uvula ring.  Jesse talked me into it.  KIdding, of course.  Do scars count as jewelry?  What about emotional scars?  No?  Just my wedding band, then.  They're a trio, the Fabulous Wiretappers, and they play Klezmer hits of the 70's.  Sorry.

4. Who was president when you graduated from high school?  Kang - I mean, Clinton.

5. What is your favorite month of the year?  November.  Duh.

6. What color shoes are you wearing?  I am barefoot.  Only Eric wears shoes to type at home.

7. Describe a favorite childhood toy. I made a potato-launching bazooka with a friend of mine, but that's more a weapon than a toy.  (It could knock a guy off a bike from across the street, and eventually took out a car window before being retired.)  I guess my car probably doesn't count, either.  I'm going to go with a dead heat between my chemistry set and my G.I. Joe HQ playset.  You have to picture three hour long chess games against myself with guns.

8. Did you grow up in a one or two story house? I find it hard to believe anyone grows up in one house anymore.  My parents were divorced, and it felt like I moved every year.

9. Have you grown up to be who you wanted to be?  If this is a career/job question, then - no.  If this is one of those "comfortable in my skin" kinds of ethical/moral good guy questions, then - yes.  Fuck, let's move on.

10. Pretend you've been given $100 on the condition you spend it all on yourself. Okay.

11. What color is your front door?  Clear, which isn't a color.  It's the color of whatever's on the other side of it from the viewer, which in this case is you, and you see me giving you the finger, 'cause you keep a'knocking on my fucking door.  So my door is the color of unwelcome.

12. What did you learn to type on: manual typewriter, electric typewriter, word processor, or computer? A black, 50 lb. Royal Typewriter, ca. 1955, inasmuch as I have ever "learned to type."

13. Which do you prefer, white, black, colored, or patterned socks? On who?

14. Name two vegetables you'd like to have with dinner every night for a week. Asparagus and Steven Hawking.

15. It's a magic day. You may eat whatever you want for dinner, and your entire meal is guaranteed to be calorie free. What's on the menu?  The President of the United States, raw, Guinness and Irish, real pralines, nachos, LSD and heroin.

Weekend Meme #1

Stolen from AKA Binsk, who's back at last!

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog.  Additionally, I have used this as an opportunity to display Picasso's "The Old Guitar Player" the way I think it should be - landscaped - as opposed to the portrait orientation it is usually given. I don't know how Pablo intended it, and I'm not certain I care.  It's better this way.  You may also choose to redisplay some music-themed piece of art.  'You' being Trogglehumper, Chagrin, Rich, Deviant EP, JB, Layer 8, EM, Amy J, Erin, Kat, and Mike B's Spin City Record Palace, Mud Jello Wrestling and Hockey Stick Emporium, founded 1891.  Two taps and love, ya'll.

Will I get far in life?
Things In The Woods - Richard Pryor  (Apparently, I get lost in the woods.)

How do my friends see me?
Hindenburg Crash Radio Broadcast from 1937  (Believeable.  Especially recently.)

Where will I get married?
Mardy Bum - the Arctic Monkeys  (I'm going to go with, "Makes no sense b/c the question doesn't work.")

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Shock the Monkey - Peter Gabriel  (What's with all the monkeys?)

What is the story of my life?
Nobody Does It Better - 8MM  (You're goddamn right.)

What was high school like?
In The End - Linkin Park  (Yeah, kinda.)

How can I get ahead in life?
Cure For Pain - Morphine  (I kind of get/buy this one...)

What is the best thing about me?
Feelin' Free - Michael Franti & Spearhead  (Slightly more obscure...)

How is today going to be?
Touch of Grey - Grateful Dead  (accurate)

What is in store for this weekend?
My Drug Buddy - Julianna Hatfield & Evan Dando  (I think there's a message in this one.)

What song describes my parents?
Only Death Decides - Exodus  (Hmmm.)

My grandparents?
Motherless Children - Son House  (Not going anywhere near that one.)

How is my life going?
High as Hell - Nashville Pussy  (Okay - drug theme in the meme.)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Streets of Laredo - Webb Wilder  (This was a 'Holy shit' moment for me; some of you know why...)

How does the world see me?
Where's Your Head At? - Basement Jaxx  (I believe you all see me this way - sometimes.)

Will I have a happy life?
Safe House - the INS  (This thing has kind of a psychic's logic - one who's been through your wallet already.)

What do my friends really think of me?
Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco  (You're all fuckers.)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Sweet Little Maia - Elvin Jones  (Except when you're not.)

How can I make myself happy?
The Chronic (Intro) - Dr. Dre  (Wow.  No shit - told ya!)

What should I do with my life?
I Don't Want To Go To Heaven - Vini & the Demons  (This is good.)

Will I ever have children?
Wake Up - Rage Against the Machine (As in, "Wake up, you got one and one coming already?")

What is some good advice?
Rise - Chuck Prophet  (That one works, too.)

What is my signature dancing song?
Seek & Destroy - Pantera  (No one on Earth can actually dance to this song.)

What do I think my current theme song is?
I Guess I've Come to Live Here - Willie Nelson  (Yeah, maybe...)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Jefe de Jefes - Los Tigres del Norte  (Ha!)

What type of men/women do you like?
Listen to the Flower People - Spinal Tap  (That's right, I dig the Flower People.  Wait, would Flower People want me to dig them?)

The original instructions on this said not to comment, but fuck that.  Pointless but fun - everything you want in a meme, without viral infections, insanity, and the breakdown of cultural reference points!  As I wrapped this up, "Landscapes I" by Brother Robbins was playing as my outro music.

Welcome to Pensacola

My close friend JB was recently kind enough to visit with his new camera.  Since this was a new toy for him, he took something like 400 pictures while he was here, and forced me to view Pensacola in a different light - ISO settings notwithstanding.  Because of this, I have decided to apply for jobs with the Pensacola Chamber of Commerce and the Convention and Visitors Bureau, as I have a newfound appreciation for the wonder of Pensacola, Florida.  Here's what I have so far:

Welcome to Pensacola, Florida!  Whether you know it as a Gulf Coast Paradise, the Cradle of Naval Aviation, or part of the Screaming Hurricane Death Zone, Pensacola is a great place to work, play, visit and ultimately, escape!  There is so much going on here aside from the white sand, beaches, and white sandy beaches, it's nearly impossible to know where to begin!

We'll begin with travelling to the city of Beach Aviation.  Simply getting off the plane at Pensacola Microscopic Airport - which is always lit to simulate dusk - you will have converted to the Christian faith.  The same holds true for disembarking at any of Pensacola's fabulous port.  While in town, you will be able to take advantage of some the benefits available only to our most devout followers of Christ, such as Sammy's, Arety's Angels, and the Brownsville Whores (who hope to enter the NCAA next season). Only by driving into the city do you not convert to Christianity, and then you will be met by knife-weilding smallish inbreeds with improbable noun names like "Truck" and "Boner."  Provided you survive, you will likely drive through several inferior towns like Century, McDavid, and Asswipe before arriving in gleaming metropolitan Pensacola!

Politically, the heart of Pensacola is on the right side, where it does not beat properly, pumping the lifeblood of graft, corruption, bribes, racism, favoritism and the all-important Good Ole Boy Networking to maintain the Status Quo, even though no one here knows what that phrase - or anything in non-porcine Latin -  means.  Pensacola and Escambia County has both Republican Democrats and Republican Republicans, and for the most part, we are only troubled by third parties until they are taken out and fed to wildcats.  This Republican-dominated scheme in politics puts an end to not only the vicious partisanship that plagues most national level debate, but also the other scourge of modern-day American electoral politics - choice.

When it comes to history, you can tour Historic Downtown Pensacola in about half an hour, and find out everything there is to know about The Oldest City (fuck St. Augustine) in the United States!  Known as the City Nobody Wanted, Pensacola was stolen from the Natives by the Spanish, destroyed by hurricanes, taken by the French, returned to the Spanish in a fit of pique, handed over to the British who gave it back to the Spanish once they saw it, ruled by a man named Frank for two weeks in 1838, colonized by Native-murdering White Colonist people, seceded with the Confederacy, and eventually won back (from the bank who held the lien) in a poker game by President Grover Cleveland in 1893.  The rest, as they say, is crap.  This is why Pensacola is referred to as the City of 32 1/2 Flags.  The T.T. Wentworth Museum is worth a visit, and features among other things, very old stuff and a dead cat.  But no, really.

By now, you'll be hungry, so why not satisfy your craving for mercury with some oysters on the half shell, or seafood purchased from convicted felons?  Or, you might choose the gastronomic blitz of the Delicious 101st Naval Attack Division Restaurant, home to the "Operation Digesting Freedom" platter, which makes use of the remains of those killed (or wounded!) in our current military "victories" to provide delicious protein and shrapnel-laden fare for all of Pensacola's diners, be they residents or visitors, reluctant or otherwise.  While there, you can choose from the Secret Gitmo Sauce to compliment your meal, and I highly recommend the Abu Gahrib Pyramid of Nachos.

When you choose your church - choose BIG.  Pensacola residents know that God doesn't pay attention to shitty little churches, so you have to see the Brownsville Assembly of God, Marcus Pointe Baptist, or Olive Re-Education for Christ Compound and Soul Wash if you wanted to get properly "churched up." Fun on a Sunday!  And don't forget the completely baffling good times at Dinosaurs for Jesus Adventure Land and Sermons!  Right off the interstate is the massive campus of Pensacola Christian College, which has a huge printing facility, nuclear weapons, and church-sanctioned cloning!  There's no escape from the skinny carpenter from Nazareth here in Pensacola!

Among the remaining sights after the last hurricane season are a truncated stump of a tower, a graffiti-sprayed bridge, the shell of a drive-through funeral home, many & varied road construction projects, and of course, Pensacola's snow-like ivory beaches, now strewn with hurricane debris and the shattered remnants of people's lives & dreams.  See them while you can - booming real estate development will soon cast the entire beachfront into the "shadow of progress," so this is a quickly-vanishing once in a lifetime opportunity!

...I heart Pensacola.  And you will, too.

Take me with you when you leave.

CNN Radio Tools

I work in a university print shop which has a van.  The van is used by various employees to visit people on our campus, make deliveries of product, hand deliver proofs, and pick up supplies.  As in any shared vehicle, three things remain age-old points of contention, with a raging but unspoken war being waged daily; mirror position, seat adjustment, & radio station.  The radio station during the day is often set to AM 790, CNN Radio News.  It sucks, but it has news, which is good when you're out on deliveries for a couple of hours and the local NPR affiliate has played all the "Morning Classics" you can handle.

Normally, they just do the Bill Hicks "War, Famine, AIDS, Death, Homeless, Recession, Depression" riff, but today they went and did something a little extra that really got my attention.  Whilst talking about the visit of Chinese President Hu they did two things that I thought were - well - unprofessionally obvious.  See, I expect CNN to take liberties with my "news."  Any station that daily updates you on which American Idol jackass got booted off the previous evening officially becomes Shitbox News.  This was today, though (slightly paraphrased):

"We should mention the protesters on the White House lawn that are there today for the Chinese President's visit - you can hear the screaming in the background - but we don't have time to go into their agenda."  Shit, really?  You got time to mention it, but not go into their agenda?  Read the signs, fuckknock!  This was made even more disingenuous by the fact that they spent thirty to forty seconds talking about the protesters anyway, never once mentioning "their agenda."

"A woman heckled President Hu today during his speech by shouting something at him from the crowd.  The woman, a member of a religious group, had something she wanted the President to hear."  Yeah, hah?  First off, anyone yelling at the President of any country - it's a safe bet they got something they'd like the guy to hear.  Second, like 90% of the world is made up of members of religious groups - was "Falun Gong" really that hard to say?  Apparently - and I had to go look for this - what she wanted to say was, "President Bush, stop the persecution of Falun Gong, stop the killing."

Yay, heckler.  Boo, CNN.  James Earl Jones should be ashamed.

Maybe we could send our Scientologists and Raelians to China to be persecuted there?

Fuck You, Opus Dei

Opus Dei would like a disclaimer in front of the Da Vinci Code movie coming out this summer.  Out of "respect for Christ and the Church."  Presumably, they would like it to say something like,"The Organization known as Opus Dei is not the insane, cloistered, strict, manipulative, bloody, fractured, inbred sect of the Catholic church that's so fundamentally nutso and split from reality that L. Ron Hubbard plans to rise from the grave and rub out a couple of books about it any day now - as is depicted in this film.  They do not have too much money, power, adherents or influence, and the expensive office building in the middle of New York City means absolutely nothing in terms of power structure or monied holdings.  Stop noticing Opus Dei, please so that we can get about injecting Christ into fucking everything.  Many of us are not albino, or sex-crazed FBI guys.  We're fine, and not crazy people.  Also, not a cult.  It hurts Jesus when you say we are.  Thank you."  You know, Christians really are under fire in this secular miasma we live in, and we should stop with the half-assed persecution of them simply because of what they believe.  We should commit to fully persecuting them, preferably with truncheons and busted off pieces of furniture, not because of their beliefs, but because they seem incapable of keeping them close to the vest.  Insinuating your presence into everything mirrors the predominating philosophy of ODers who put "Christ in everything" they do, from genital ointments to corn for dinner.  They don't want the rest of us, happy in the evil world in which we live, to be able to form an opinion about an organization presented in a work of fiction, without us hearing the perspective of their book first.  I guess when works of fiction, like the Bible and the Da Vinci Code (illustrated edition, pictured above, which I quite enjoyed) compete in the minds of the common man, they feel insecure.

Man, I wish I could un-read the news.

Oh, and Happy Fucking Easter, too.