My close friend JB was recently kind enough to visit with his new camera. Since this was a new toy for him, he took something like 400 pictures while he was here, and forced me to view Pensacola in a different light - ISO settings notwithstanding. Because of this, I have decided to apply for jobs with the Pensacola Chamber of Commerce and the Convention and Visitors Bureau, as I have a newfound appreciation for the wonder of Pensacola, Florida. Here's what I have so far:
Welcome to Pensacola, Florida! Whether you know it as a Gulf Coast Paradise, the Cradle of Naval Aviation, or part of the Screaming Hurricane Death Zone, Pensacola is a great place to work, play, visit and ultimately, escape! There is so much going on here aside from the white sand, beaches, and white sandy beaches, it's nearly impossible to know where to begin!
We'll begin with travelling to the city of Beach Aviation. Simply getting off the plane at Pensacola Microscopic Airport - which is always lit to simulate dusk - you will have converted to the Christian faith. The same holds true for disembarking at any of Pensacola's fabulous port. While in town, you will be able to take advantage of some the benefits available only to our most devout followers of Christ, such as Sammy's, Arety's Angels, and the Brownsville Whores (who hope to enter the NCAA next season). Only by driving into the city do you not convert to Christianity, and then you will be met by knife-weilding smallish inbreeds with improbable noun names like "Truck" and "Boner." Provided you survive, you will likely drive through several inferior towns like Century, McDavid, and Asswipe before arriving in gleaming metropolitan Pensacola!
Politically, the heart of Pensacola is on the right side, where it does not beat properly, pumping the lifeblood of graft, corruption, bribes, racism, favoritism and the all-important Good Ole Boy Networking to maintain the Status Quo, even though no one here knows what that phrase - or anything in non-porcine Latin - means. Pensacola and Escambia County has both Republican Democrats and Republican Republicans, and for the most part, we are only troubled by third parties until they are taken out and fed to wildcats. This Republican-dominated scheme in politics puts an end to not only the vicious partisanship that plagues most national level debate, but also the other scourge of modern-day American electoral politics - choice.
When it comes to history, you can tour Historic Downtown Pensacola in about half an hour, and find out everything there is to know about The Oldest City (fuck St. Augustine) in the United States! Known as the City Nobody Wanted, Pensacola was stolen from the Natives by the Spanish, destroyed by hurricanes, taken by the French, returned to the Spanish in a fit of pique, handed over to the British who gave it back to the Spanish once they saw it, ruled by a man named Frank for two weeks in 1838, colonized by Native-murdering White Colonist people, seceded with the Confederacy, and eventually won back (from the bank who held the lien) in a poker game by President Grover Cleveland in 1893. The rest, as they say, is crap. This is why Pensacola is referred to as the City of 32 1/2 Flags. The T.T. Wentworth Museum is worth a visit, and features among other things, very old stuff and a dead cat. But no, really.
By now, you'll be hungry, so why not satisfy your craving for mercury with some oysters on the half shell, or seafood purchased from convicted felons? Or, you might choose the gastronomic blitz of the Delicious 101st Naval Attack Division Restaurant, home to the "Operation Digesting Freedom" platter, which makes use of the remains of those killed (or wounded!) in our current military "victories" to provide delicious protein and shrapnel-laden fare for all of Pensacola's diners, be they residents or visitors, reluctant or otherwise. While there, you can choose from the Secret Gitmo Sauce to compliment your meal, and I highly recommend the Abu Gahrib Pyramid of Nachos.
When you choose your church - choose BIG. Pensacola residents know that God doesn't pay attention to shitty little churches, so you have to see the Brownsville Assembly of God, Marcus Pointe Baptist, or Olive Re-Education for Christ Compound and Soul Wash if you wanted to get properly "churched up." Fun on a Sunday! And don't forget the completely baffling good times at Dinosaurs for Jesus Adventure Land and Sermons! Right off the interstate is the massive campus of Pensacola Christian College, which has a huge printing facility, nuclear weapons, and church-sanctioned cloning! There's no escape from the skinny carpenter from Nazareth here in Pensacola!
Among the remaining sights after the last hurricane season are a truncated stump of a tower, a graffiti-sprayed bridge, the shell of a drive-through funeral home, many & varied road construction projects, and of course, Pensacola's snow-like ivory beaches, now strewn with hurricane debris and the shattered remnants of people's lives & dreams. See them while you can - booming real estate development will soon cast the entire beachfront into the "shadow of progress," so this is a quickly-vanishing once in a lifetime opportunity!
...I heart Pensacola. And you will, too.
Take me with you when you leave.