My chief objection to funerals has, in the past, been that I don't really see the point in sitting in a (usually consecrated) room while some pastoral functionary who may or may not have even known the deceased tries his level best to make everybody cry, like there's a quota, like it's Amway, like it's a personal challenge to fill the house with damp and weepy eyes. I hate that shit, and dread it everytime someone's funeral involves my required attendance. I thought this was as bad as a funeral could be. I am once again revealed for the wide-eyed ingenue I really am.
Once again, Northwest Florida treats me to all new horrors, something I have not encountered before, but something that, like the aforementioned Amway, smacks of the pyramid scheme or the cult of the brainwashed. It's always fun to be unexpectedly offended. I suppose I should be pleased that this region can still surprise me and make me feel alive - if by 'alive' you mean ripshit, trapped, and philosophically nasty on a cracker. C's grandfather died this Monday night past, at the ripe old age of 92, after a long illness. As such, most people had made their peace with this early on. Knew it was going to happen, and indeed, were relieved for him when it did, so the suffering could come to an end. You've heard of this. But you've never heard the sermon that's C's cousin's husband spewed forth from the altar that morning.
Standing over the box containing a dead person, this quiet man of the cloth made a few things clear about the deceased's particular brand of Christianity - some things you ought to know. First, there's no piecemeal approach to the teachings of Jesus. If you believe that he was just a man who said some good things, well, you ought to cast out his name and wipe his memory from the Earth, because he lied about who he was. So, if you don't accept the divinity and the resurrection of Jesus, you're not allowed to think anything else he may or may not have done was good, either. I can live with that. Second - if you're laboring under the misapprehension that Christianity is all wrapped up and can be described by John 3:16? Well, this is no simpleton's faith, my friend. This is a faith with a complex basis in scripture and as such, is by extension exclusionary to anyone not versed in the Bible and of a certain IQ level...which would seem to make missionary trips somewhat superfluous, but moving on! Third, there is a right party and a wrong party when it comes to faith. There are no complimentary paths, no blending of faiths and practices, no. There is right, and there is wrong. And don't you forget it. Christians stand up for what they believe, because they know they're right. Which is odd, because I always feel the same way. The whole thing came off as a fear speech (taking a page from the Theocons in power right now) with the message of "Look, here's a reminder of death. Right here in front of you. If you're not a Christian, you're wrong, damned, and stupid. What the fuck is your problem, anyway?"
In short, this was a nasty, exclusionary, pissy little diatribe that seemed more about winning converts and decrying the state of the world in which Christians are a persecuted and apparently, sniveling, minority than a celebration of anyone's faith. Or you know, a life. It smacked of the first century Christian, who would take any opportunity to boost the numbers. One could make the argument that this whole propaganda was fairly representative of the kind of faith practiced by the deceased, but I won't be going there.
I just don't think I'm going to be seeing any of my wife's family for a while. Especially since the day after this happened, I had to hear from my MIL how she's praying that someday, I'll convert and Max will get to go to church. I'm like, this far from burning my fucking house down and leaving here under the cover of darkness.