squidbag

Exemplifying Bad Decision Making

Today's winner of the Squidbag's newly-minted "Complete Running Moron Award" is Curtis Allgier, a tattooed convicted felon who killed a cop on Tuesday and then was disarmed after a high speed chase through Salt Lake City, UT by a line customer at an Arby's.  Curtis, it would seem, is incapable of making good decisions, and is crying out for some sort of life coach, counselor, medication or public execution.  First, let's a take a close look at Curtis' face, reading what we find there very carefully.  It would appear that at some point Curtis decided to be a a racist, as he has "SKIN HEAD" tattooed above his eyebrows, and I believe that's Adolph Hitler right there where his necktie knot would be if he had ever seen a necktie.  So - we begin with following the ideologies of a group of people who are widely condemned, discredited, hated by even the most permissive and tolerant, and who have lost a major war, to boot.  It's like people who go in for Satanism.  They looked at the same source material as Christians, and picked the guy who loses.  Wow.  So yeah, in addition to taking himself out of the job market and most of polite society by inking his idiotic and fringe beliefs right on his goddamn face, he also altered himself to be less white in a show of white power.  After all of this, he does something that gets him put on parole, then breaks parole, which gets him hounded by authorities, then falls out of a fucking hotel attic on the way to prison, which it seems he found depressing.  It's prison, you freakish fuck - it's not supposed to be fun.  As a third act to his little life play, he kills a guard, wrecks a stolen vehicle and crashes into an Arby's for what?  A Beef N' Cheddar?  Some curly fries?  What the fuck were you thinking, Curtis?  Finally, he's disarmed by a guy waiting on line, one Eric Fullerton.  For this, Curtis will likely hang like laundry until dead.  I think they just still hang criminal asshole fools like Curtis in Utah. (Nope, but I am informed that New Hampshire does...how weird is that?)

Congratulations, Curtis Allgier, you're famous.

Just "War on Everybody"

He came out mopping his brow, this embattled "President", that confused primate look on his face as he glowered at the members of the fourth estate over his lectern.  This morning, President Monkeyface Bush announced that as an expansion of the already broad and ill-defined "War on Terror," that the US would be declaring war on a number of people and organizations, basically everyone, expanding the current "Axis of Evil" into a kind of "Dodecahedron of Evil."  Citing concerns that new leadership in France would lead to a French-led enforcement of global warming "Austrian-assisted tyranny," and new, non-puppet leadership in Britain that could lead to less predictable results there, this collapse of allies was called "a leadership cacophony for this country," though we're sure he meant "catastrophe," or perhaps, some smaller, easier word.  He continued:

"Furthermore, and additionally, it's clear that we need to take up arms against the Chinese, who are attacking us here at home, here in the United States.  With fake baby formula & lead painted toys, they strike out against our children, who I am told are the future.  With shoddy tires they undermine our travel and overall mobility, and they attack our morale by killing our pets, and with tooth decay.  It seems to me now that the nation of China will only be happy when they have reduced America to a nation of toothless, immobile, brain-impaired people who cannot fight back when our citizens and journalists are taken captive for a day."

Finally, extending his war within our borders to beyond just attacks on rights and personal freedoms, the President resolved to attack the Senate, for subpoenas that clearly violate the "if you're not with us, you're against us" dictum from earlier in this war.  While considering attacking only the Senate Democrats, he was shaken by the presence of leading Republicans who'd like him to answer for Cheney's budget and secrecy, his blind, unswerving loyalty to Gonzales, who's leading a Justice Department with corruption unlike anything since the Reagan era, his warrantless and unreported wiretapping and spying, and his previously unanswered subpoenas.  "Fuck 'em," said the President, flashing his now famous one-finger salute, "It's just a war on everybody, then."

As you knew it someday would have to be.

Well, Of Course It Is.

Based entirely upon the profanity extant on the first page, to say nothing of the multiple Bockwurstings, the anally inclined golfers, the bile-encrusted diatribes, and the vast amounts of vitriol contained herein.  This would be why my mom, despite reading this blog, advised me against leaving it up on the home computer, now that Max reads so well.  Keep this in mind next time you're thinking about checking what's new on the Squidbag whilst anyone's watching.

I think I would have been disappointed with anything lower.

Times Have Changed

"Paris Hilton left an L.A. County jail today, wearing a fabulous - but simple, in keeping with her new life as a conscientious non-dumb, role model philanthropist - ensemble that included skinny jeans, a sage jacket with white piping, and her fetching blonde locks braided and tossed casually over one shoulder.  She hugged her mom and headed for a plush L.A. abode, forever to shower the stink of her special treatment from her body.  Not since the Vichy fell have this many people been interested in the freedom of Paris.  It was time to move on."

This is not actually a quote from this article - the most popular one on my Yahoo News Page this morning - but it easily could have been.  Supposedly, the real news hook given as an excuse for reporting this shit is that "Paris' treatment while inside has re-ignited debate about the treatment of celebrities in the penal system." Yeah, I call 'bullshit' on that - first, I would ask, 'is that a discussion that's important to anyone other than celebrities', and second, no - they are not treated like everyone else, that's not fair, now move on.  Last night as we were scrolling through channels we saw a shower of fucking moron people on Larry King (who is a bat) talking about Paris' imminent release, and for this discussion, they had found some real bona fide experts, like a guy who used to date Nicole Richie (who's disappearing).  Seriously.  That was his pedigree, and the reason he was on television.  It had his name, and "used to date Nicole Richie" (or the official version of that language) right underneath his head.  That's often what that bar is for, I find, on talking head shows - you wander by and say, "Why is this asshole on television?" - and then the bar will say, "Chairman of the Unnecessary Services Committee" and you suddenly know why they're interviewing him.

Mostly I object to the saturation coverage of this because it's boring.  Anna Nicole?  She was dead, her son had died, there was a baby up for grabs; interesting shit.  But even that clusterfiasco pales in comparison to the attention we pay to Paris Hilton.  I think she's an Old Testament idol god, pretty much by default.  The last time I remember this kind of media about a criminal celebrity, it was O.J.  Now those were the times.  Everybody associated with that case was a household goddamn name.  Marcia Clark, Judge Ito, A.C. - you could make a Johnny Cochrane joke or reference a white Bronco and absolutely everyone would get it, months after the trial.  We had REAL goddamn scandalebrities in those days.

And I can only assume that the reason no one is paying any attention to Phil Spector - whose hairdo alone should fucking well guarantee attention - is because we don't know who he is anymore.  I mean, he's three feet away from a murder after ranting about murder, not to mention telling the Brits he's "relatively insane" so he probably is a murderer; but we don't care about that, we're watching Paris detox in prison after a drunken cheeseburger run.  Our biggest mileage is when celebs are drunk and/or racist; why can't somebody really mess up for a change?

Do it for me.

Five Twenty-Eight

Normally, at 5:28 in the morning, my whole family is snugabed, sawing early morning logs as they dream their last REM cycle or two away.  I usually have alarms set for 6:30, so right now I should be an hour or so away from my first karate-snooze chop of the day.  But I'm up.  Abby should be on her side in her sleeping chair, tucked away in the dark, but she's drinking from her milk cup and watching Baby Bach as I write this.  Max is not snuggled into his tent among the pillows and comic books, but instead is wrapped in the blankets of the guest room bed, restlessly sleeping as I type.  C is not asleep for hours now, but is instead just bedding down, a victim of strange baby sleeping schedules and a 12-hour sojourn to attend a friend's soiree and do laundry (somewhat simultaneously) that didn't end until about two hours ago.  People: this is not the way to enter a Monday.

The weekend went well for the most part - Brian & Kate were in town, brought beer and excellent veggie products, and we engaged in contentious, pointless, wonderful chat on Friday night.  Saturday we went and did the Red Bull Flugtag event, and saw the Rocky Top Rocket set a record by going 155 feet.  This was in the 90+ degree heat, so it wasn't long before we strolled downtown, looked at guitars, and eventually segued into a late afternoon picnic at Centennial, followed by frozen custard and time at the Guys' house.  As I say, idyllic.  What?  Well, I'm saying it now.

Sunday was also good.  I got up and made breakfast, B & K headed home, and halfway through the day C left to do her things.  I guess that was like, 2 or so.  Max and I made cookies and watched a movie together, then played a game with Abby.  There were meals and housecleaning, and mostly chill time.  There was also getting the computer back online, with the calling of the customer support and the reinstallation of the drivers and the transfer of the data, and the disabling of Internet Explorer and Windows Messenger.  Oh, and the realization that I don't apparently have Office anymore.  I also watched the Phantom after the kids went to bed.

And now it's about six.  I think I'll shave and play with the baby before I go to work.

Post #745, a Tuesday

I am sitting in the back office/guest room of our apartment.  All is quiet after Nashville decided today to break up the drought conditions with some sporadic rainstorms.  It was during one of these today that I slipped on our back loading dock at work while helping a customer, and gouged some skin & flesh out of my left thumb, which is quite sore.  Amazing, really, how often one's left thumb is actually part of the equation, and you don't realize it until it bleeds on you all day long.

I should mention that I had a wonderful Father's Day weekend - thanks to all of you who voted for Max's drawing, and please, thank yourself whatever multiple of times that you voted.  Happy belated Dad's day to Josh, JB, Ron, Joel, Bobby & Dale; all dads I care about in some way or another.  We went to see the FF sequel, to an art fair, an old car museum, and I made brats.  We also discovered a new (to me) comic store whilst driving around in my old stomping grounds.  At the museum, there was a scavenger hunt for the kids - a list of cars to look for, and I discovered these, and fell in love with them.  If anyone has any old Czech vehicles lying around, please let me know.  Max got to see the LX model of this, and now he wants to drive it.

Been reading more comics lately - I find that I go from major book consumption to major comic consumption in cycles, partially because of the addictive visual nature of the comics medium - and I have some standouts I thought I'd mention.  If you want the quirkiest, smartest thing I'm reading right now, get the All-New Atom book, which just wrapped it's 12th issue.  You don't need to know anything about the characters, and they quote major scientists.  Also, there's a floating head of death.  If you like a Kung-Fu mystery story with great artwork, I'd have to recommend the Immortal Iron Fist, because I think it's a lot of fun right now.  I have to shout out to Kassie for the free books (that's right - only the third person ever to just up and give me a stack of free comics), and I especially enjoyed the latest arc of Green Arrow, and will be looking forward to the Black Canary limited.  I got and read all 25 issues of the Marvel Team-Up that ended recently, and I would say that was a fun read, too.  Other than that, I've been reading some older stuff lately.  Like Tor.

I am typing this on a my sick computer, which has shitty graphics resolution currently.  We are suffering from a recent malware attack, and are in the process of backing up the last few things before we wipe the hard drive and start over.  That has been a time sucker, unfortunately, and has illustrated that I have too many media files to be keeping them all on this machine, and also that I save everything I've ever laid our for friends.  Maybe I should stop doing that, too.  Just maybe...

Looking forward to getting up to Madtown for EP & Diane's hitching at the beginning of July, and seeing the wholeness of the crew - it'll be a lean trip for us financially, but who cares?  Things are falling back into place, forming a path I can see, so it was worth the sacrifices along the way to make things like they ought to be.  I got up this morning at a little after five, so I should probably crash while I feel this content.

"I Gotcher Two-State Solution..."

Right here.

Seeing that the US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had renewed her commitment (like some sort of half-assed New Year's resolution) to stabilize the Middle East in 18 months (despite the fact that no one else has been able to do it EVER), and that President Dubya Monkeyface was continuing his call for a "two-state solution" in Palestine, the Hamas guys decided to get some guns together this week and show everybody how it was done.  In a series of attacks which were brutal for citizens of Gaza and Fatah loyalists - not to mention horrifically embarrassing for the West - Hamas took Gaza by force and began celebrating in the usual way, with street parties, systematic looting of government institutions and the tacit threat of potential religious sanctions.  It was in this way that they sought to self-determine, taking by bullet what they felt they had been denied by ballot.  It would be admirable, except for the religious zealotry, subjugation of women, imposition of strict moral codes, Jew-hating, and less-than-completely human behavior, what with all the shootings in the streets and such.  (I was especially amused by the Iranian brand of Jew-hating, right from the Tehran Times: "only the Zionist regime will benefit from this crisis and the polarization of the Palestinian political scene.")The democratically elected Hamas has been booted from the "unity" government, and it would appear things are moving on.  New Prime Minister and everything.  So - it would seem that a two-state solution actually does work; I'm guessing Fatahstan and Hamastan, but other names could be forthcoming. 

The Wrong Candy

This is not the right candy.
And you know, there was a whole box.
It has things in it, and not sweet things.
It has too much nougat, and
I don't even really know what nougat is.
It has crunchy bits and wafers and
some kind of buttery chewing gum-like things
inside of it, and you can just tell
it was designed by a focus group.
Only the chaotic palette of
randomly assembled people, locked
inside of a small space and inaccurately surveyed,
would produce this shitty confection.
I wanted something sugary,
with a hint of tartness,
or maybe ooey-gooey chocolate,
enveloping something equally simply complex
and good.
But not this.
Not a nightmare.
This - is the wrong candy.
Go back and try and again.

Accidental Zen

"...he is like the monkey, who does not understand the rock, but who uses it to break the coconut to get the milk inside."  Or, more poetically, "The rock needs no understanding from the monkey to crack the coconut."  Or, with more Haiku:

Like the Monkey, he
not understanding the rock,
still gets his nut milk.

Which is good, because I get to say "nut milk" in there, and if you get a chance to say "nut milk," probably you shouldn't pass it up.  Anyway, I'm not going to elucidate upon this too much further, unless it's really making you (coco)nuts and you just have to know.  In which case, I might tell you.  Let's just say it was an outpouring of skewed metaphor from someone (someone who went to college) and it's grown on me over the past couple of days.  I'd prefer it if you all just internalized it, or perhaps just sat about repeating it until a sense of calm overtakes you and you begin to become the monkey.  Or the rock.  Or the coconut.  Whatever.

Intervivisection.com

Okay, it's entirely possible that I had too much free time on my hands during a recent lunch hour, but: you know how when your brain noise calms down a little and you can collect your thought?  There's just the one, but that flashy little bastard runs in those tight little zig-zaggy circles and he's a bear to nail down sometimes, and when you do catch him, you realize that the people around you all seem to radiate with a kind of drunken orangeness, and you get a bang of an idea that seems both good and bad simultaneously?  I'm certain you've had a corresponding experience.  Anyway, here's mine:

I think I'd like to begin a website that has timered movies of things being slowly destroyed at intersections.  If DVDs of buildings blowing up and WillitBlend.com can work, so can this.  You just put something out at a busy intersection - a famous one will obviously generate more interest - and you film it as it drifts between the treads of the passing vehicularity.  Whether it be quick or slow, the thing will inevitably be knocked around and ultimately destroyed.  You could put anything you wanted out there, and provided it's unobtrusive enough and/or the intersection is busy enough, it will remain until it ceases to exist.

- A turkey dinner with all the trimmings,

- statues of Darth Vader,

- boxes of documents,

- sports equipment,

I mean, the list - she goes on and on.  I welcome your lists & suggestions, and use of your time and digital video resources.  This can work, people!