Appearing today in a 10:30am press conference, clad only in a tear-and-pasta-sauce-stained T-shirt and wrinkled chinos, reeking of cheap whisky & desperation and carrying a gun, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (shown here jerking off America) read from his resignation letter:
"For most of my life, I've been an attorney, not a real person, so, you know, I really don't know, you know, how to say what I really want to say. You know, I understand it's — it's important or not important, you know, as far as what you say but how you say things. So, you know, I take this opportunity just to speak from the heart. If I had a heart, but I don't. So I'll speak from the roughly approximate mostly central organ of what passes for my body.
First, I want to apologize, you know, for all the things that — that I've done and that I have allowed to happen. I want to personally apologize to others in the office of the Attorney General, the Department of Justice, the Catholic Church, all Hispanics, everywhere, and especially the United States Senate, you know, for our — for our previous discussions that we had. And I was not honest and forthright in our discussions, and, you know, I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least.
I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up.
I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Al Gonzales the person, and not Al Gonzales the part-time public citizen moving rapidly toward money-grubbing fuckstain.
I take full responsibility for my actions. For one second will I sit right here — not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I've done. Unless it's Bush, who ass-raped the authority right out of the DOJ at the earliest opportunity. Or Cheney, who requires blood token just to work for this administration. But for having the capacity to lie right in the face of this country's lawmakers, and for the deliberate goldfish-like recall of what some people like to think of as facts? I will blame no one, no one but myself, until my autobiography comes out.
I'm totally responsible, and those things just didn't have to happen. I feel like we all make mistakes. It's just I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. And you know, those things, you know, just can't happen.
Fucking with people's civil rights as provided for in the Constitution is a terrible thing, and I did reject it. I mean, eventually. You know, when I was done and it became clear that these fuckers were hanging me out to dry. When I squeezed every last drop of blood from Justice, and corrupted the system entirely, I stepped away. Sometimes, you have to just say, "Enough. No Mas."
I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and had Him tortured in a nameless, desolate prison cell in the middle of backwater nowhere until He gave me forgiveness and then I turned my life over to God. He gave it back. And I think that's where we are as of right now.
Like I said, for this — for this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else, I accepted responsibility for my actions of what I did and now I have to pay the consequences for it. But in a sense, I think it will help, you know, me as a person. I got a lot to think, deny, forget, and lie about in the next year or so.
I offer my deepest apologies to everybody out in there in the world who was affected by this whole situation. And if I'm more disappointed with myself than anything it's because of all the young people, young kids that I've let down, who look at Al Gonzales as a role model. And to have to go through this and put myself in this situation, you know, I hope that every young kid out there in the world watching this interview right now who's been following the case will use me as an example to using better judgment and making better decisions. Don't screw with a living document and balanced systems because of partisanship, kids.
Once again, I offer my deepest apologies to everyone. And I will redeem myself. I have to. 'Cause boy, do I suck.
So I got a lot of down time, a lot of time to think about my actions and what I've done and how to make Al Gonzales a better person.
Thank you."
From here, Alberto offered freshly baked apology cookies to everyone in the room, and announced that he would be pitfighting Michael Vick for money and for something to put in Chapter 26 of his autobiography sometime between now and December 12th. Tickets available through TicketBastard. T-shirts and shot glasses will be sold.