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Elevator Man

(work of fiction)

Decades ago and just to the East of the downtown area, old money had come and put down taproots.  In more recent years, Antebellum manses had come to stand lotline to lotline with newer McMansions as the newer dollars arrived in the freshly tailored pockets of the newly well-to-do.  As the area expanded, a mall was of course, erected, and then this too expanded and became a suburban area with an upscale name of its own.  The Verdant Hills area of town had an attitude, but not one that was entirely justified.  Sure, the money was on all sides, but in the midst of all that you had retirees, apartment dwellers, schoolchildren, teenagers, and those who worked at the businesses and stores in and around the mall.  In short, and only during the working hours of the day, you had a wonderfully rich mix of people interacting with one another, and most of them coming through the mall for one reason or another.

At the back of the mall, between the larger Macy's entrance and the smaller one that led to the hallway at the back dominated by the Gap and framed with huge frosted glass panels, was an elevator that connected to all four floors of the mall, Parking Decks B & C, and opened on both sides.  This elevator was Hal Heisenberg's favorite, and he could stand in it all day, if no one seemed to notice.  If they did, or the traffic varied too much and threatened to step on his normal viewing patterns, well - there were six other elevators.  One for every shopping day of the week.

In the earliest morning would come the employees of the mall, streaming in one-by-one, half-asleep and clutching coffees, purses and paperbacks, their minds on the future - the "post-this crappy retail job" period of their lives.  These were dangerous to Hal, because they were likely to notice his presence in the same place, day after day.  Many of them had long since assumed that he was custodial or clerical help for some other part of the mall, and that's how Hal liked it.  He was friendly enough to these people, but too much interaction would ruin the reason he was there, and he didn't want to screw with the dynamic too much.

The mall walkers were usually also arriving around this time, elderly people in tights and serious hats, here to use the mall as a Dewey track.  It wasn't training for an upcoming heavyweight bout, but they treated it with that level of seriousness.  They never saw Hal, and so were the perfect group for him.  He could watch their actions day in and out, and never be given a second glance.

You couldn't just stick to the elevators - a certain amount of wandering was required.  Elevators were best, though.  They got you in on people's sounds and smells and cell phone conversations - you could even read a text over someone's shoulder.  The mall elevator made for the most - intimate - experiences.

Certain seasons were a bonanza for an elevator man; Christmas is the big obvious, that last glorious quarter of the calendar year when the traffic swells to nearly more than one can comfortably observe, when the comings and goings completely masked his presence.  Most of the major marketable holidays and their return schedules made for good entertainment, actually.  Hal preferred the normal business of the mall, though.  Those cutting through the mall on their way to elsewhere, or those using it as a meeting place.  Window shoppers were good viewing, as were teens.  Hal had a patterned routine - solid colors of clothes, a pre-set walking and elevator use schedule; and with all that, it still took him forever to notice her.

(more?)

Incisive Political Commentary

Believe it or not, more than one person has asked for this.

Who would the Squidbag vote for?  Well, here's what I think of the current state of affairs, coming as this entry does - before February 5th.  This is really just a cleaned up email I sent to a friend on MySpace, so it lacks polish, unlike the rest of this blog, which is normally polished to a high shine you could look up skirts with.  But that's politics for you: skirts and shoe polish.

When I vote, especially in Presidential primaries (with the exception of the one singular occasion when I voted for myself) I have a two-step process, and a candidate must fulfill both criteria to pass it:

1. Would I feel okay about voting for this person?  Or would I want to wash my hands later?

2. Do they have a shot in hell of winning?  Rules out ALL third party candidates, no matter how appealing they might seem, until our system undergoes some sort of radical change which can never be accomplished by voting for third party candidates.

Now, to break it down: I cannot vote for most of the Republicans, because they are Republicans and Republicans, like farts in a crowded elevator are stifling bad for this country and for the continued evolution of the great democracy experiment we call the USA. More specifically though, Romney's in a cult (yes, he is) and so is Huckabee (okay, I know that's not true, but he has that look in his eyes anyway), Dr. Keyes is a one-track mind not to mention being an actual Reagan Republican.  That never seems to mean "needs to be shot and lose his memory" no matter how much I wish for it.  Giuliani is morally questionable as a human being for his continuous evocation of 9/11 and bad for his party, as he doesn't seem to know what Republicans do.  McCain is uniformly shitty on women's issues and global human rights issues.  He's not a people guy.  Oh, and "Bomb Iran."

So - the Dems?  The American Democratic Party - a Choice for the Choiceless.  I'd like to vote for someone like Mike Gravel (if only for his stance on impeaching the monkey), but he doesn't pass #2. Not even close, and Dennis wisely has dropped out now.  Presumably to spend more time with his wife.  Not a shot in hell between them anyway.  Neither has Edwards a shot, though he is very populist, and progressive, but is also reactive and off-message a lot. That leaves Hillary and Barack. I would prefer to vote for someone who has not had their hands in covering up so much death, corruption, theft and mismanagement. No matter what some people think.  That leaves Obama, who may have done all that shit, but I don't know about it yet. But he is from Chicago, so chances are, he knows the fucking game.

Anyway - that's process of elimination voting for you.  I wait anxiously now for Super Tuesday.

High School Reunion - The Show

(yes, that's me, middle of my senior year of  high school, circa 1992)

So I'm watching TV Land a couple of nights ago (okay, I was Tivoing a Just Shoot Me marathon - in spite of David Spade, I always liked that show) and I saw a couple of promos for this "new" show - High School Reunion.  The idea, of course, is that you get the whole class from fifteen or twenty years ago together in Hawaii (? - the ideas for where to set these things always eludes me) and you hash out who stabbed who in the back, who was a bitch to who, who's got some unrequited love that needs...quiteing...and generally you get some solid "reality" television out of the whole thing, whatever the hell that means.  In the previews, they gave you the "woman who dissed the guy who's now a millionaire" story, and the "guys who used to be buds but apparently one of them dicked the other one over hard, since now they can't even occupy proximate lawn chairs," complete with "I don't even know you any more, dude."  (I don't know where you fall on the question of anyone over 30 saying "dude," but we definitely shouldn't be doing it on TV.)

This seems like an extraordinarily bad idea.  These people are about my age, or they must be, if their HS graduation was 15 years ago.  I can picture the episode where they get everybody together and then announce that the only one who's missing was Marvin Jackson High's Dylan Klebold wannabe:

PRODUCER GUY: So, the only one we're waiting for is (reading from card) William L. Vance.

SHEILA (FORMER PROM QUEEN): Billy Lee Vance?  You invited him?

BROCK (FORMER VARSITY QB, FUTURE FARMERS): (drops can of Michelob) Oh, shit.

DON (CHESS CLUB, SCIENCE CLUB, DEBATE TEAM): Hell with this - (bolts from room, car burning rubber is interrupted by shots fired outside)

PRODUCER GUY: What?  What the hell is going on here?

DOROTHY (4-H CLUB & WRESTLING CHEER SQUAD): Billy Lee Vance swore publicly at our big party, the night before we all graduated -

BILLY LEE: (entering, stage left): "I swear I will kill you all." 

Billy Lee of course, guns down the whole room, cameramen included, and last footage is Internet-only, as it is captured by camera flipped over on it's side and taping through a haze of static and cordite.  Audio from other rooms in the house includes more gunfire, possibly duct tape and chainsaws, and Billy whisper-singing Stealer's Wheel's "Stuck In The Middle With You."  I think any number of people (and the number is probably a lot higher than you think) would have snapped if subjected to even one more day of high school.  This seems like asking for it.  Do the people that agree to be on this show miss high school?

Next up - Osama's class reunion!  Where where you when...?  Pathetic and sad, but that's reality TV.  Please, producers - end the writer's strike now.  Pay fair!

List, Now to Russ Feingold

"In his final state of the union address, President Bush unfortunately continued to advocate positions and policies that have been harmful to our nation. He once again attempted to bully Congress into giving broad powers to the executive branch far beyond what is necessary to protect the country from terrorists. Congress must stand up to these tactics and pass a law that allows our intelligence community to go after al Qaeda and other threats to our national security while protecting the rights and freedoms of law-abiding Americans.

Perhaps most troubling was the President's steadfast commitment to an Iraq policy that has led to the deaths of nearly 4,000 American troops, continues to cost this country billions of dollars per month, and fails to make us safer in the global fight against al Qaeda and its affiliates. The president's policies are keeping nearly 160,000 American troops stuck in Iraq and sapping our ability to address the global terrorist threat presented by al Qaeda."

"As we continue to pay a tremendous price because of the administration's myopic focus on Iraq, al Qaeda maintains its safe haven in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The recent bombings in Algeria also remind us that the enemy we face is global and that a narrow focus on Iraq is self-defeating. Our next commander-in-chief will face great challenges in this critical region of the world, made more difficult because of the lack of attention the Bush administration has given to it.

It is important to note that this is the last state of the union this President will give. I look forward to working with whoever takes office as our next President to change course, and begin to undo the damage this Administration will leave behind. We need to reform our broken health care system, and move away from a one-size-fits-all education policy. We need a real commitment to protecting our environment, and to moving away from the flawed trade policies that have led to so many American workers watching their jobs leave this country. I join many Americans in looking forward to addressing these challenges as the country prepares to move beyond the failed policies of this administration."

Goddamn, I miss Wisconsin right now.

Manga Molester

I am sad to say that this is poem about people I knew, in Pensacola, over the Summer and Fall of 2004.  The Manga Molester, Twinkie the Kid, and the Hostess Ho were all names for these people which were coin of the realm.  I doubt that any of the principals read this, but if they do...

There once was a slimeball named Chris,
who worked at the Anime store,
but after Monday's events transpired,
he prob'ly don't work there no more.

See, Will was on duty up at the front,
when the plainclothes law busted in,
and they was looking for Chris, who was up in the back,
to arrest him and take his ass in.

As they spoke, it was clear
that Chris was rightfully totally clowned,
since he had been child molestin',
and those assholes should all be drowned.

The cops took him out, and the Anime folks
tried to give him a little support,
but we'll see how understanding they are,
when the law drags his ass into court.

"What kind of foolish subhumans,
employ a scumfuck like Chris," you might grouse?
Twinkie the Kid, and the Hostess Ho,
they let him stay with them too, in their house.

Max's Tooth (or Lack Thereof)

Blood, snot, vomit.  Just a typical Saturday being a parent of two.

Once a month, C & Max volunteer to spend an evening at Safe Haven Homeless Shelter here in Nashville.  The date moves around a bit, but it's once a month.  So far, I haven't been able to pluck up whatever it is I need to make myself go with them, choosing instead a relatively quiet evening after Abby goes to sleep.  Tonight wouldn't have been an option anyway, as Abby spontaneously threw up all over the bathroom as they were preparing to leave.  So I am planning a fairly vigilant evening. I have put nothing but water, juice and pieces of cereal into her stomach since then, and so I will be checking occasionally to make sure none of that has been recently deposited into her crib.  The snot happened somewhere in all of that, or during our subsequent trip to the store - I don't know exactly.

The BIG news, though, is that Max's front tooth fell out, or more appropriately, was yanked out, by him, just after lunch of grilled cheese and chocolate milk.  We were talking across the table and he made a noise of surprise.  I looked up and said, "Wow.  That's bleeding like crazy."

For the record, this is the wrong thing to say.  You probably knew that already.

He freaked slightly, and we made a trip to the bathroom, passing Abby's room and notifying C & Abby of the impending event.  We got Max in front of the mirror, and since he's been milking this thing for about three weeks, it popped quickly loose.  There was rinsing, and pictures (note the blood trail in the above photo), and speculation about dentally aligned winged night magic people.  In the midst of my writing this, Abby was sick again (we think it's a virus) and Max & C have returned home due to some sort of staff scheduling conflict, and so the requisite dollar for tooth exchange has now transpired beneath Max's sleeping head.

Ah, parenthood.

I Steal YouTube Now.

Two people (thanks, BH & CC) sent me this first one, and it's hilarious, poor spelling and all:

Laugh out loud funny, especially the bit about buying the new TO shirt.  Actually, I don't know if it's as funny if you weren't watching the NFL two weeks ago.  I can't help but think Evan would have thought this was fucking funny.  Anyway, I then found this while looking for other Jonestown shit.  It's a 1978 NBC promo with ads & a news break, and I thought it was completely fascinating.  And is that Patrick Duffy?

Welcome back from Jonestown, will you be flying dead in a trailer or just indicted?  And I think Cora is the same chick who played the Wicked Witch of the West.  Maybe it's just the nose.  For the record, I fucking hate Grape Nuts, and now, by extension, Will Rogers, Jr.  Grape Nuts: A Bowl of Grain that's Thirstier for Milk than a Goddamn Newborn and Swells to Overflow Whatever Container it's Placed in.  Hope you enjoyed your videos.  Without automatic background music kicking in.

Well, Holy Shit.

Only in the Fox Universe (where their leader is a billionaire Australian who keeps buying facets of American culture and who keeps slaves that are all dead green Presidents and imaginary bug-eyed yellow people, like he's a comic book supervillain) could this "revelation" ever possibly have had the outside notion of becoming a passing idea regarding a fleeting mention of this being anything any reasonable person would ever consider referring to as "news."  Fox news has really busted open the Ark on this one, freeing the spirits within.  As we collectively yawn at the deception which has become commonplace at an accelerated rate since 2000, Fox would have you believe that the simple fact that the current government lies like some people breathe, and in fact did it to lead this country into what is a misguided, non-planned, grabastic ill-informed holy war is a new thing, is News with a capital "N", and that it should come as a shock to us.

For those of you in the cheap seats, who have tumors on your frontal lobe, who have just stepped out of a time machine or spacecraft from a distant world, who have a deep and abiding belief in the Grand Old Party, who believe that this is a just war, or who are just plain stupid, listen up: OF COURSE THEY LIED, AND THEY LIED HUGE. That's how you do it, that's how you make it work.  Want to galvanize your people and get them a'fighting and a'fired up about the work you want to do?  Demonize someone else by presenting them as a threat to your group's way of life, and lie about the immediacy and size of the threat those people supposedly represent.  Works every fucking time.  Just ask the Catholic Church, the Nazis, the KKK, the People's Temple at Jonestown, or fuck - every fundamentalist Christer and Muslim out there.  They'll bloody well tell you - "there's them others out there, and they gotta be stopped."

Is there really anyone who is aware of the war who is not aware that they were lied to about it?  How is it that any content regarding this war short of "Oh, we took a look at Iraq and things seem okay there now" is surprising news?

Sometimes, I despair.  I giggle during it, but I despair nonetheless.

The Music

Okay, two comments is enough to make me address this; 

Over on the left, for those of you who have not noticed it yet, is a little tab called "Atmosphere."  Erin likes at least one thing she's heard, ("Green Arrow" by Yo La Tengo) and Mike has complained that it fucks up what he's currently listening to.  I've heard EP bitch about media heavy sites that have bells and whistles and Flash and all kinds of shit that go off as soon as you get there, and I'm often annoyed by that myself.  On the other hand, I like to include stuff for people who don't read me in aggregators, who actually come here and check shit out.  Actually, I haven't even made up my mind about the tunes that I put here yet.  I'm only three songs in.  I like the music, but having it restart on every refresh is little much.  I don't know about the loop, either.

I'm toying with keeping it but making optional, as in "you must hit PLAY."  And probably eliminating the loop.  Thoughts?

Those are my brother-in-law's hands on the dobro above, by the way.  Check him out here.  Music starts when you arrive, by the way.

Comedy Central's Strikebust

I'm sure I'm late to the party on this, and, being a simple man and not given to vitriolic outbursts of complex thinking and overly emotional reactions, I am willing to concede that I may very well have missed something on this issue, but how is it, please, that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (and assembled parties) are not scabs right now?  How is it that they are not disloyal deserters, running away from their picketing brethren and jeopardizing their ability to collectively bargain, all for the sake of being able to make fun of an election year as it happens?  I mean, I understand the impulse - there are so many good jokes that will happen without you if you're not on top of things.  I'm glad I'm not in the guild.

I was willing initially to give them a pass as they seem to exist in a weird nebulous area of "guys who are constantly writing their own material."  The assumption is that when you are Stewart, you are composing jokes by accident, when you brush your eyebrows in the morning, for example.  After watching tonight, though, with a John Oliver bit that was clearly written (the alternative being that it was improv'd on the spot) I am now a bit frustrated with the situation, and interested in a dialogue as to how it is that they are not scabs.  This whole reflexive "using the strike as material" thing is only funny if you're not a scab, and I'm beginning to think you are, guys.  That makes it exploitive.

So - are you watching these shows?  Are you pro-labor?  Do you give a shit about the WGA strike?  If you answered "yes" to all three questions, what is your opinion on the whole issue?  Do you love these two guys enough to give them a pass on their behavior?  I almost do.  I'd rather just watch their shows, laugh, and not feel this way.  They're brilliant, and these are great shows.  But.  What would Mother Jones or Eugene Debs or Sam Gompers have to say about this?  I wanna know what you think; 737-ROCK, 737-ROLL, the lines are open.  First 10 callers get the Squidbag Touched by a Tentacle T-Shirt.