Tonight, during the standard nightly pre-sleepytime ritual of singing Abby songs and reading her books, we made this one of our selections from the library pile. Usually, being unfamiliar with a children's book is a good thing, like a blast of cold water in the sleepy face of endless routine. Tonight, however, I was betrayed by my ignorance of the source material, sold a bill of goods by Ms. Melanie Walsh, if that is her real name. "Do Monkeys Tweet?" Well, I don't know, Melanie (though I feel as though I can make a pretty educated guess) because there ARE NO MONKEYS IN YOUR BOOK!
I understand we've got a cutesy rip-off of Who Hoots on our hands here, where we ask if mice purr or horses bark and then we point out that no, that's cats and dogs you're thinking of little one. I get it. Oh, yes. However, my little girl, young Miss Abby, saw a picture of a South Park-esque Oooohing monkey on your cover, and an expectation was therefore created. Every page: "Look, Abby, a pig. What does a pig say?" "Oink. (looking earnestly at me) Monkey?" No, honey, no monkeys, because the bitch sold us out. We were lied to, sweetheart, by Melanie Fucking Walsh, who should have called the damn book "Monkey Surprise," because surprise, THERE'RE NO FUCKING MONKEYS!!
In short, parents of the world: AVOID THIS BOOK. You need a good simian fix for your tyke, reach for Hug, or Little Gorilla, or Good Night Gorilla, or Busy Monkeys, or everyone's favorite, Curious George. H.A. Rey would never have done this: Curious George Wonders Where He Is Because It's Certainly Not In The Bedtime Reading Where One Would Expect is not a title a responsible author would inflict upon the world. So don't waste your time, harken unto my words.
At least I don't try and push fake monkeys on you.