The truth is, I never used to remember Evan's birthday. Some number combinations resonate with me and others don't - they usually have very little to do with any person they may or may not be attached to - I simply remember them easily, or I must take notes. Take this to heart the next time I forget your birthday - the numbers got all squodgy in my head.
So yeah, I used to forget Evan's birthday every year, (ten-twenty-four? what the hell is that?) then something would happen to make me remember it, like Jimbo reminding me, or a calendar becoming evident, or maybe just a "holy shit" moment. I would then get or send Ev some belated thing - some music, perhaps, or comics, food or booze. I never knew him not to appreciate a gift - there was always feedback. There would be an email or a long-ass phone call or a too-short visit, and then the matter would be forgotten until next year, when I would proceed to forget Evan's birthday all over again.
Now, I can't forget it. Like something etched into my forebrain, there it is, mildly bumming me out all day. And my special gift, too - seriously conflicting emotions about Evan not being here anymore. Sadness and mild depression, assuredly, but still the underlying anger, "fuck Evan for taking Evan away" crap that I guess I had better get used to. So I decided to confront my melancholy with port wine and the Demons promotional DVD Vini sent me back in the Spring of them performing live at Eddie C's in Gainesville. Just fucking wade right in there. I did not enjoy the wine (which is whatever happens whenever I pick out my own wine, which is why I typically stick to beer and whisky), but the DVD made me feel...more. Instead of skating over the surface of being angry and sad, I just waded in there with the Demons and Robert Johnson and Elmore James, and then they blackjacked me with "It Hurts Me Too." Because it does. And it did, and now it always will. I didn't cry this time, but it still hurts a fuck of a lot.
So - I raise a glass of my unsatisfying wine to Evan's memory, wishing he were still around. I'm thinking about C and Jimbo and Vini and Eric P. and Melissa and Joe and Guy. And Pam and Barrie, and Zach and other family and friends, a vast array of people who all miss him.