"For the Lord Himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the Archangel, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord." From the first letter of the Apostle Paul to the Thessalonians, Chapter 4, vs. 16 & 17.
Man, I seriously can't wait until the rapture.
I mean, really what I can't wait for is the time after - which is gonna be sweet - but the event itself promises to be pretty bitchin', too, yeah? Okay: Imagine you're walking home from the liquor store or library or whatever other places Christians don't spend enough time in and suddenly the sky yells at you, there's trumpets and noise that would put the boomer cars down the block to shame, and then a bunch of Christian dead people go flying up in the air. Holy fucking shit, right? The Flying Dead, this season on AMC. After that, two-thirds (depending upon where you are at the time, of course) of the other people, living folk, all around you are going to go flying up in the air, too, just like Sally Field, because Christian heaven likes them, it really likes them. They're going to whisk up into the clouds - which won't take as long if Jesus or Michael or Gabriel or the Metatron or Holy Ghost or whatever comes back on a rainy day - and then they're out. Peace.
I'm guessing that there'll be a lot of Christian-shaped holes in ceilings.
All that'll be left then are the really interesting people. Criminals, yeah, and most of the politicians and fuckheads on the news, too. But probably a lot of professional athletes, too, right? And all of the Jews and Muslims and atheists and everyone else who was wrong not to be a born again person. And those people are fun. Except for Muslims. I can't think of anything fun about Muslims. And actually, atheists can be pretty tiring, too. Jews are cool. But hey! Based on what I hear - all the fucking time - from born again Christians, all the gays'll still be here, and that's a good solid, fun, creative bunch. Good group, the gays. Gotta love them. All the whores and drug addicts, all the drinkers and fornicators and punks and hellraisers. It's going to be a good time, I'm thinking. All of the less than pious, wandering around going, "Huh." What I can't wait for is, I can't wait for the people who are like, surprised they're still here. We're going to have some fun with those fuckers, am I right? I won't even swerve my stolen car for them. A humbled Fox News crew? Most of the Christians? Mormons? Rightwingnut conservatives trying to figure out what the hell happened? Good times afoot.
Buddhists won't change much - why would they? Most of the Eastern religions will barely register that the rapture has happened. Probably won't be many agnostics around after that, but it might be a lot easier to get your Church of Elvis or Redeemed Britney or Mike Vick or Aztec calendars or ZOG or Homer Simpson or whatever off the ground at that point.
We can mostly not work. It's the end times, what are you working for? Mark of the Beast'll come around to your door, you wait long enough. They're gonna want you to have that. We can kick back and gamble all day in casinos, or have sex five times at noon. We can pick cars on the street that used to belong to Christians and drive'em 'til the goddamned wheels fall off. We can make Scientologists pull our cars like rickshaws, and make jewelry out of those little Christian car fish. We can tell Mormons to go fuck themselves once for each wife they still got at home. We can sit out in our front yards high on dope and laughing at people who're still trying to get saved. It's too late - that chariot has sailed, my friend. No, don't head this way, either - I've been breaking into formerly Christian houses and taking all the guns.
No point in eating healthy anymore - you could eat all your meals at fried food ass Chick-Fil-A except nobody works there anymore. Domino's upper management I guess are all gone, too, and good riddance. You can just wander at will into houses and take what you need for awhile. Lot of free radio air time will suddenly be available, I suppose. The world will be like all the good stuff about theme parks, zombie movies and riots rolled into one. Civilization's not going to come to a screeching halt - too many of us will still be here. After a quick little speed bump adjustment period, we're moving right along, enjoying a quieter, more rational, and probably more loving world.
Man. I just can't wait.