The Nashville Tenneseean, in an amazingly irresponsible use of headlines, is reporting today that a woman died, and was then "brought back to life" at last night's Lady Gaga show at the Bridgestone Arena, the home of the Nashville Predators. Wow. Anything to pimp the paper in the age of Internet, I guess, but what a fucking headline.
And what press for the obviously press hungry Lady in question, yeah? A resurrection at the Easter fucking weekend show? What the hell? A little Lady Gaga miracle? "Apparently, Jesus is in favor of gay rights, that's why he brought that woman back from the dead at the Lady Gaga show. There's no other even remotely plausible explanation. From my read of the facts."
And what are the facts? Well, apparently Crystal Thorton, 33, suffered a heart stopping seizure that left her without a pulse for five minutes, the definition of death used by medical personnel, and quoted in this article. The guys on scene whipped out the defibrillator and kept her going until she could be shipped over to Vanderbilt and cooled against the possibility of brain damage.
Which, unfortunately, she experienced anyway, having had her sense of fucking perspective obliterated by her brush with the Great Beyond. This is demonstrated by her statement, "I am so mad that I missed the concert." Really, Crystal? No one's mad at you for missing it because you had the best excuse for missing something going: "I was dead. I was dead, so I missed the Lady Gaga show." Most resurrected people wouldn't be mad, either. Most people would be cheerful and happy in the realization that they were five minutes dead but now, thanks to the intervention of total strangers, they aren't. I mean, I can be hard-boiled, but I'm pretty sure I could find the joy in that, if only long enough to talk to the newspaper guy about it. But not Crystal. Pissed that she missed the show. I bet Gaga will comp you, Crystal. You're going to be great for future sales: "Lady Gaga KILLS in latest performance." "Gaga will knock you DEAD." "If you have a weak heart or are in any way medically unsound we recommend you skip the next Lady Gaga concert." Ticket sales are gonna be through the roof, and Gaga'll be able to buy more meat-and-broken-glass bustiers.
Maybe she'll even spring for a perspective transplant for Crystal. If it works, we start forcing them on most of the American public. "It's either the transplanting or a Bockwursting, your choice."