Larry Wayne "Crawdad Larry" Kelly apparently peppered the L & T Seafood Market in Ensley over the holiday weekend because they were out of the most proliferate form of seafood, the crawfish - and Crazy Larry Wayne didn't like that. Gotta love that "Larry Wayne" moniker on any Southern male packing heat.
Also apparently, Larry Wayne's a "sovereign citizen," one of those crazy motherfuckers walking around enjoying American tax-dollar funded things while complaining to anyone who will listen that the government, all governments, are oppressive, and that he doesn't have to follow the rules. This was a philosophy that actually worked pretty well for me in private school, but I haven't had the gall to try it in my adult life. Not so, Larry Wayne, who tried it on Florida policemen who it looks like may have taken a poke at him to show him around the oppression. A good way to end up on weekend Fox Network programming, one would think.
So Crazy Larry got arrested after he called eleven times looking for crawfish, stopped by and shot up the place with an AK-47, and then tried his damndest to run over cops, evade cops and resist arrest. They arrested him twice, just to make sure. And now he's looking at more than half a million dollars worth of fines which I'm going to guess they won't let him pay off with LarryBux he makes in his "sovereign basement mint," I bet they're going to want Gen-U-Wine American Simoleons. And over what, again?
Crawdads.
We're talking about a creature that's actually referred to by people who live in the Florida panhandle (and indeed, elsewhere in the South) as a "mudbug," because they basically live everywhere along creek beds and anywhere you've got fresh water coming in. You don't need a boat or a rod or a reel or a gig or a sharp stick or even a net or two hands to catch a whole mess of crawfish; a bucket dragged in the right place will pretty much do the job. So what's Larry's fucking problem? It's not just that God wanted Larry to eat a whole crawfish boil with potatoes and little ears of corn, it's that God didn't want Larry to have to work for it, either, and it's the fault of THE MAN (here represented by Tommy Nguyen) for keeping Larry down!
The punishment here should be taking away Larry Wayne's good shit - like his armory - and giving Larry Wayne a bucket and making him stand in hot-ass Florida Summer creeks listening to extremely competent Florida panhandle law enforcement representatives talk shit until Larry Wayne catches $500,000 worth of crawdads for Tommy Nguyen.
At $2.39 a pound. Retail.