squidbag

Linda Hatemonger

Linda Harvey (who seems to have no real biography anywhere on the Internet but does Tweet, though) is a conservative Christian right-wing radio host out of Ohio who represents something she and some other people made up called Mission: America which exists solely to fight "political correctness," which they blame for a lot of what is wrong with America in their collective opinions, and also to step on the rights of others, specifically gay people, when they can agree that they even exist.

Before I attack Linda Harvey, I'd like anyone who wants to go on and argue that The Squidbag is on the side of political correctness.  Anyone?  Go right ahead.  I've got all day.

...

Okay.  Linda here is the worst kind of provacateur, amatuerishly roaming the nation stirring up shit with anyone who is dumb enough to listen to her or take her remotely seriously.  She's a bitch with multiple axes to grind, and her followers are all representative of that particular brand of easily led sheep that listen the sort of crap assmouths like Linda spew out into our collective thought pool.  This week, Linda encouraged her listeners not to take their children to doctors who might be gay, because, you know, if they exist, they could make your non-gay kid gay, at least until Linda's people could reclaim them for fucked-in-the-brains-straight-Christians.  This is just the pulsing, dripping tip of her anti-gay hategenda, which also includes (again, when she can agree that gay people exist at all) suggestions that gay people should not hold any job that involves children, thinks Uganda's anti-gay bill is a good idea (and "their business"), and finally, in an inelegant little piece of knotted performance art, that the "gay agenda" is responsible for gay teen suicides.  Oh sure, the bullies are a problem, but they've always been there.  It's this new gay trend that's killing people.

Not just gay things infuriate Linda, though (although she says Christians are not required to love gay people); she's also a supporter of Holocuast denier/revisors, someone who thinks witchcraft is a really big problem in America, thinks everyone should pledge allegiance to the flag with the God part left in there, and that Jesus supports the US military.  Also, if you're religious and not like her, you're wrong, because you're called by God to do what she does, namely, being a fucking lunatic for Christ.  She also says (sort of) it's okay to judge people, which is handy; she should have no problem with what I had to say about her, then.  There's more, but I'm not citing it - you can go read around the site like I did. 

She's got followers and supporters like Tim "Left Behind" LaHaye, Rev. Donald "Two Knobs on the Radio" Wildmon and Dr. James Dobson and they resort to the same kind of tortured-into-shape half-arguments that she does, like these - reporting on the article that some people watching a same sex kiss in a program at a high school were weirded out without publishing the follow up article (about a follow up performance) where the crowd reactions seems a lot less negative.  They also report bricks thrown through a Christian organization's window as a "hate crime" without treating the anti-gay function that was going on in there when that happened as a motivation.  This one's particularly convoluted, as they'd like this to be investigated and prosecuted under hate crime legislation that they wish did not exist.  Finally, Muslim involvement at Occupy Wall Street counts as the inclusion of terrorists at that event.

So: I urge you to flood Linda's Twitter feed with tweets, especially if you're gay, so she knows you exist.  Long emails are good, and comments are always nice.  I think Linda needs to hear the alternative point of view more often, if for no other reason than to make her deal with it some form.

Pastor Mark Driscoll: Jerking Off

Pastor Mark Driscoll, of the Mars Hill Church out of Seattle, has a booklet out called Porn Again Christian that asserts that if you're a guy who jerks off, you might just be gay.  You know, because you had sex with yourself, and you're a guy, and if you have sex with guys and you're a guy...gay.  Right?

Pastor Mark (who was raised Catholic and now wears the popular anti-Papist character Mickey Mouse as a totem) is one of the founders and pastors of Mars Hill, one of those fucksgusting megablight churches that looks to propagate itself above all else.  His theology, such as it is, is convoluted, coming as it does from his presumably rejected Catholic upbringing, his seminary education (which I always felt was about as valid as my comic book education - I know a lot about imaginary stuff, too) and his "post-modern" interpretation of John Calvin and the Bible itself in order to score Gen X converts, because they're younger and last longer and can make / get you more converts.

I urge you to read the booklet, especially chapter 5, which goes well with an egg sandwich.  It's hilarious.  Pastor Mark is involved in the most strenuous kind of mental twisting in this thing, but all of his attentions are confined to guys (much as a gay man's would be) and while he addresses female masturbation he comes right out and says that's not what he's here to deal with - he's here to deal with the men.  To wit;

Lust, previously a deadly sin (you all saw the movie) apparently has an "unbiblical" component which is a sin, which implies a biblical component, which is...not?  So lust is alright sometimes?  When it's in Song of Solomon or you're with your wife - YES.  Lust all you want, we'll make more. 

Yes, he also says, you might just gay right up if you fuck your hand, because it's your hand, and that's part of you and therefore the same sex as you.  (Fucking your severed hand is not covered in the text.) Lonely jerking off (without the blessing and presence of your wife) is always a sin, and your hand is male.  Except in other languages, one would point out, hands have gender which doesn't switch with their owners.  So they can't always be gay.  Unless you talk to Pastor Mark, who says your hands are always gay - to you.  Except when they're not!

Because your hand isn't gay if you fuck it while you're with your wife, 'cause then you're focused on her and it's an extension of your marital "oneness."  So you will be assimilated, and while porn is a sin (adultery) if it involves total strangers, it's solid for your wife to slip nudie shots into your luggage for a business trip so's youse can whack off to those.  So - it's gay if it's just you on your mind, but not gay if your wife's there, or even if you have her naked picture.  Handy.  So to speak.  One wonders if you can get around the gay hand thing by picturing it in your mind as your wife's vagina.  A question for Pastor Mark, who likes to say things like "Don't sin, but have fun," so good luck with that.

If you have a wet dream, it might be a sin because of what you put in your head all day long.  So, if you're checking out the women you work with (not a sin), even if it's respectfully and with you're keeping your sexual urges and thoughts to yourself, and you made it all the way through nighttime television without touching yourself, and you kept your hands free and un-gay all the way through that late-night pony show, and then you go to bed and soil the linens while asleep - it's your fucking fault.  Perv.

Pastor Mark actually asks the question: "Can you masturbate without shame?"  Apparently oblivious to his travels through a world of people who rub one out all the time and will fucking tell you about it.  The answer is YES, Pastor Mark, and I didn't need the Bible to get there.  I think what he means is "Can you masturbate without me confusing the shit out of you about it?"  And of course, the answer there is a resounding "Hell, No."  (Bolding makes things resound.)

In conclusion, then: Jerking Off Alone is Not Okay, because it makes you lazy, narcissistic, a premature ejaculator and possibly gay.  Also, because men are incurable sex monsters who are enslaved by semen production and the more we jerk off, the more we'll have to jerk off, until there's no more politics, religion, industry, art or society to speak of, just a world awash in ankle-deep spunk.  We can't help it, God made us this way, gay hands and all.  Jerking Off with Your Wife (or her naked picture): Okay, as long as it extends your oneness under God, which is always the first thing on every guy's mind when sporting an erection.  That sexy God.

Thanks, Pastor Mark!

Limbaugh Defends Murderous Cult

What is the political right about in this country? They're about doing whatever it takes to tear down and smear the President, as long as he's in the party opposed to their own. Don't believe me? Here's the latest fecal barrage thrown by Rush Limbaugh, who's been in the "tear down the lefty" business for as long as I've been aware of his dumb ass.

What he's doing here is criticizing Obama, because that's the business he's in; the Fuck With Obama Business.  He's all over Obama here for deploying troops into central and Eastern Africa, specifically Uganda, South Sudan, the Central African Republic, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  He makes fun of the small deployment, but then turns and accuses Obama of attacking Christians, since the deployment is meant to deal with the group described in the video above, the Lord's Resistance Army.  The cultish, kidnapping, murdering, raping, enslaving and brainwashing Lord's Resistance Army.  And why?  Because they're "Christians."  The "Lord" referenced here is the one true God, the Christian god, as evidenced by their communication with the Holy Spirit and the crucifixes in their houses of worship.  And you know, since the President's a Muslim despite any kind of hard evidence of any kind to support it, he attacks Christians.

I can see how Rush got confused here, I really can - they are, after all the same kind of Christian he is, the reject-the-stuff-you-don't-like heterodoxical kind.  What matters most here to me is that nobody fact-checked this, and if they did, they threw out what they found.  I got real information in less than five minutes from this Internet thing; maybe Limbaugh's people should get that.  So yeah, I think they ran this in full knowledge, not giving a fuck what the LRA was really up to, and hoping for any kind of anti-Obama backlash, knowing that we have a short collective memory and that people - especially Rush's people - will only remember what he says, and might never hear the actual facts.

Rush Limbaugh needs to be peeled and salted on live television.  For starters.  Or just sent to live with the LRA for a while.

Autumnal Idiocy

Somerville, Massachussetts elementary school principal Anne Foley decided that a target would look great on her back, matching her new Fall wardrobe perfectly.  Apparently, she wears a lot of red and white.  That's the only real explanation I can think of for a school principal banning the Fallidays of Columbus Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Or maybe there are other reasons.  Let's all take a deep breath now, and break this down.

First, she's being attacked for banning Halloween, most kids' favorite holiday after Xmas.  Lots of schools do this, because people are stupid, mostly Christians, who think that Halloween is a demonic holiday with a Latin death metal soundtrack, instead of one with roots in pagan harvest stuff and timed by Church co-op to precede a Catholic feast day.  Even if they knew things, though, a lot of Christian people would still be uncomfortable with kids dressed as zombies, witches, ghosts, vampires and monsters.  Easily taken care of; those people should not dress their children as zombies, witches, ghosts, vampires and monsters.  As far as having to look at people dressed that way - sorry, this is America, and there are no guarantees.  I have to look at people dressed in ways I don't like every fucking day.  Suck it up.  The only conceivable defensible reason for a school to ban Halloween stuff is because it is disruptive, and that's pretty much non-arguable.  What did Anne actually do?  Ask the teachers not to let the kids wear their costumes to school.  I don't think that's a "ban" - my kids' school does that - are they going to be on the news? 

A couple of sample comments here: "The children, they need to express themselves and be children. Don’t take holidays and fun time away from them. They have so much homework. They don’t have enough play time."  So they should get some play time in - at school?!?

"My kids were brought up with Halloween and whatever have you. She has no right to tell these kids they can’t have it."  Actually, at the school, she does.  And, you greedy bitch, maybe the rest of us would like to celebrate Whatever Have You Day.  How is it done?

Ms. Foley also doesn't want to have any kind of recognition of Columbus Day.  This is a misstep, at worst.  What she means is, "Perhaps celebrating the accidental accomplishment of a mercenary mariner who thought he was in India when he crashed into our continent and then subsequently was more than happy to kill and enslave its indigenous peoples is maybe, a bad idea, given what we now know."  And she basically says this.  She ought to have taken a day to actually TEACH what Columbus actually did on Columbus Day (without celebrating him) instead of banning it outright.  The person who looks really bad on this particular issue, though, is the mayor.  Mayor Dipshit, who's so proud of his Italian fuckin' heritage, he gets a little bit on his shirt while's he talking, over here.  The citizens of the area don't come out so good, either.  Maybe, just maybe, Anne's got her work cut out for her.  It would have been a lot easier if she had just done what the school systems around me did - NOTHING.  Not a goddamn thing.  The bank was closed, or I might not even have noticed it was fucking Columbus Day.

Then, because Anne doesn't like friends, she goes after Thanksgiving, too.  This one's too easy, and is the origin of the really big target.  First off, attacking Turkey Day because the pilgrims were a bunch of bastards is kind of living in the past a little too much.  Appropriate, remix and move on.  Anne commits the big white person sin of talking about her "Native American friends" here, when we know she's got one, and that person likes turkey and getting together with friends and family to watch the Lions game.  A holiday is what you make of it, and no one has to do what anyone has always done - tradition alone is always the worst reason to do anything.  Attacking the one holiday that's actually got a tacit nod to God right in the fucking name is a recipe for bringing out the crazies, and it worked like a charm - I advise you not to read the comments of any of the articles to which I've linked; it's like taking a stroll through a Victorian museum of genetic defectives.  Foley's wrong on this one, Thanksgiving ought to stay, we can talk about how the pilgrims sucked, but the focus needs to be on family, community and those in need who have less to be "thankful" for.

She's since apologized for her comments, which is a lie.  She's genuinely sorry, I' m sure, but I bet it has way more to do with the bulk of people in her community being too goddamn dumb to have a civil conversation, and less to do with her trying to open up a dialogue.  I don't know, though.  If I were her, I might be sorry I started this conversation with these assholes, too.  I regret that she did it instead of simply clarifying, since she's got a point, and in our retarded society, an apology is tantamount to a total retreat.  Of course, I'm not sure she'd be retreating from anything at all if it hadn't been for her local FOX affiliate whipping this thing into a froth.

She's probably pissed now, though.  All the December holidays better watch out, or she'll ban their collective ass.

VA GOPunishments

(Read this morning on the Facebook's Washington Post Social Reader.  I don't know really what that even is yet, but I granted it permissions and read an article on it.)

So, according to this article, the Virginia Republican Party is removing top Republicans (including U.S. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, a trueblood bag of douche) from their committee assignments because they supported Bill Janis, who's running for Henrico County Commonwealth's Attorney.  Bill Janis must be a Democrat, yeah?  For the Republicans to have taken such a punitive action against his supporters?  No.  He's a Republican who is running as an independent against a fellow Republican, Matthew Geary, who here is described as "embattled," when what they mean to say is that he got caught fucking around on his wife and the mother of his children.

"Why does this matter?  Why should I give a fuck about the internal dealings of  a bunch of rightwingnuts in Virginia," you angrily splutter into your morning coffee, you irascible bastard.  Well, for a couple of reasons.  One, is that with the weak party structure we have in this country, folks drop and in out of parties all the time.  What's Joe Lieberman right now?  (A tool.)  There's no loyalty oath, there's no membership card - shit, it's harder to join the Moose Lodge than it is to be a Democrat or a Republican.  How do you join the Republican Party here in America?  You say, "I'm a Republican," then you stop caring about other people and vote like other Republican fucks.  It's just that simple.  So what does this article mean when it headlines, "Virginia's Top Republicans Removed from Party?"  An easy, non-surgical procedure (that also eliminates pesky visits to the voting booth) has been developed for removing Republicans, and you can have it today for just six easy payments of $39.95?  Nope.  It means jack over shit.  They tell you that right in the article.  A simple majority vote from within the party will put them back on their committees.  So NOW why do I still care?

Because it's indicative of the biggest problem we have as Americans.  By punishing these people for supporting even an ersatz independent, they're telling them, and everyone else, that it's more important to stick with your party than anything else.  They're rewarding people who stick to the rightward edge of the party rather than those who might - just might - someday drift to the middle, not that Cantor's in any danger of that.  The message here is to drive the wedge even further - the left gets more left, and the right gets more right, and soon, no one can even have a conversation with anyone else, much less work together on anything, and of course, the end result of that is nothing getting done.  You really think the GOPers shut down Obama's jobs bill because it's a bad bill?  Nah, they did it because they hate him and everything he stands for, and everyone in politics right now feels that way about everyone who doesn't agree with them 100%.

Just because someone's a terrible fuck where you work doesn't mean you don't still have to work with them.  If your whole mission once you're in power is to stay in power, we have names for that, and "statesman" doesn't even make the list of those names.

Whip My _______ Back & Forth

Like a lot of people, I am unhappy with the latest product from the Smith Entertainment Group, Willow Smith, and her "song," Whip My Hair.  (Having procured the Wikilink for her, I see that we just got another new song from her last Friday.  Woo.)  Willow (dressed here in her Mobutu Sese Seko halloween costume) has excreted an anthem that's inescapable if you are in public places where children are expected to make noise, but I remember Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Britney Spears, NKOTB, and many others used to be the same way.  Age has taught me to breathe, focus, wait, and turn up better music.

For the most part, the "song" is indistinguishable from any other pop crap except for its wailing repetitive chorus. (Think how many current songs you can say that about.)  My son hates it; it's like Kryptonite to him.  My daughter seems to take it either way - she will sing along if she hears it.  You figure to her, though, Willow is a seasoned performer twice her age.

This morning in the car on the way to school, we attempted to come up with some anodyne for this musical wound in our collective minds, and so we started in on the classic "variations on a theme" joke.  I will give you what we had, and then you add some.  (You should know this by now - I'm not explaining it next time.)

• Medusa: "I Whip My Snakes Back & Forth"
• Modok: "I Whip Myself Back & Forth"
• Sol Rosenberg: "I Whip My Shoes (and Glasses) Back & Forth (So I Have Them)"
• Godzilla: "I Whip My Tail Back & Forth (and Destroy Tokyo)"
• Santa Claus: "I Whip My Reindeer Back & Forth"
• Captain America & Thor: "I Whip My Wings Back and Forth"
• Professor X: "I Whip My...Head Back & Forth"
• angels: "I Whip My Halo Back & Forth"
• demons: "I Whip My Horns Back & Forth"
• Batman: "I Whip My Cowl Back & Forth"
• Packers Fans: "I Whip My Cheese Back & Forth"
• MItt Romney: "I Whip My Positions Back & Forth"
• Rachael Ray: "I Whip This Cream Back & Forth"
• Spock: "I Whip My Ears Back & Forth (Logically)"
• Ben Bernanke: "I Whip Interest Rates Back & Forth"
• Spider-Man: "I Thwip My Webs Back & Forth"
• Wonder Woman: "I Whip My Lasso Back & Forth"
• Robbie the Robot: "I Whip My Arms Back & Forth"
• Indiana Jones: I Whip My Whip Back & Forth"
• a zombie: "I Whip My BRAIINNSS Back & Forth"
• a Jedi Master: "I Whip My Saber Back & Force"
• the Headless Horseman: "I Whip this Pumpkin Back & Forth"
• Hank Williams, Jr.: "I Whip Hitler Back & Forth"
• Brett Favre: "I Flap My Gums (and other body parts) Back & Forth"
• a shark: "I Whip My Fins Back & Forth (and then Eat You)"
• OddJob: "I Whip My Hat Back & Forth"
• the Squidbag: "I Whip This Joke Back & Forth"

Gerrymandering: The Movie

I got to see this Thursday night at the Belcourt, courtesy of Nashville's own 1st Amendment Center and the local chapter of the League of Women Voters, along with my Politics & Elections professor who let me know about the thing in the first place.

If you're not already aware that legislatures having the power to re-draw districts is a bad idea, and if you have somehow reached internet-usage and reading age without encountering axioms about foxes and henhouses, then you should see this film.  If none of that applies to you but you've always had kind of a lurking sense of backroom disenfranchisement then you should see this film.  Finally, if you ever have or ever intend to vote in an American campaign of any kind, you should see the damn film.

Despite being a documentary about the institutionalized theft of 2 fifths of every American's 1st Amendment rights, it's very entertaining and a couple of times downright funny in a kind of half-evil schadenfreude-type way.  Some quick examples: Hakeem Jeffries, a NYC assemblyman, ran against an incumbent and was not expected to garner any votes.  None at all.  Not a sausage.  Bugger all.  Instead, he pulled close to 40% of the vote, and was promptly drawn out of the district by the incumbent before he could run again.  They literally show a map with an arrow pointing at "Hakeem's house" and then the new map with a perfect little paralellogram subtracted from it around his block.

Additionally, the film covers an Iowa man who was elected to city council with only 2 votes (out of 3 cast) because his district is largely imprisoned (referred to as "representation without population" in the film) Tom DeLay's 2003 redrawing of Texas and the flight of Dems over the border to avoid it, and finally, Florida's 27th District, which runs almost from the Atlantic way on over to the Gulf of Mexico.  And lots lots more, including the briefest of arguments about proportional representation vs. single member district plurality.  Many in the audience seemed not to know which we had in America, so THAT was enlightening.

It's really great.  The trailer is here.