squidbag

Your Nightmares Are True

Deep in your atrophied and shrunken black poison pump, you knew it all along. The voices in the night, in your head, in abandoned hallways and in the back of liquor stores behind dumpsters and prostitutes told you who the hell he was, all along - and they were right.

Obama's got a pineal eye - they cover it with make-up - and he's a leader captain general of the vanguard of an invading race from beyond this dimension with perceptions that far outstrip anything a burgeoning panopticon can muster; he sees when you are sleeping/he knows when you're awake/he knows when you're a lying terrorist who needs a CIA drone up the ass. He's not American - he's quantum-American from a space dimension all around you invisible - that's how he's warping so many minds.

He's coming out of a toxic cloud of painless opium fumes and stale cigarette smoke straight out of a 1950's cathouse and he's snatching up your guns and your knives and your cudgels and your Dixie flags and your weapons so that when he comes around with his pan-racial, post-racial racist agenda - hating everyone that's not the mix he is, exactly - you're defenseless, and you have to wear the featureless grey coverall as institutional non-race mayonnaise post-consumer no property Lennon/Lenin communism kicks in under a totalitarian regime we asked for, we begged for, because we let that smooth-talking motherfucker into the White House and he didn't save us, he didn't save our country from itself, he saved it for himself, the last and most delectable treat on the tree of conquest. The government's going to get so goddamn big that you'll be able to see it standing on your neck while it's walking away in front of you and yet - it'll still seem like everything's out of control and going down the shitter because the chaos makes you seek comfort from the father figure daddy Obama.

Barack Obama's going to force abortions on everyone - he's going to do the abortions himself as the man-in-black leader of a cadre of ruthlessly efficient abortibots designed to infiltrate and make certain that everyone has a forced abortion and birth control rammed down their gullets like everyone's a fertile musket of baby-making madness and the only way to control the flow is to black bag your children in the dead of night, mandatory birth control for all sexes, forced abortions that you can write off on your taxes and the utter destruction of Christ's church here on Earth under the foot of a giant Pro-Abortion Monster wearing an Obama loincloth and talking like Tarzan but with Janene Garofalo's voice.

Despite his affiliation with a controversial Christian Church, he's a Muslim. A secret Muslim who manages somehow to promote the secret and shadowy agenda of Islamists everywhere while also speaking up for women's equality, gay marriage and praying - secretly - five times a day under the watchful eye of the Secret Service. He learned his Islamist ideology and secret handshake and agreed in a blood and semen pact to corrupt America for terrorism in a madrassa in a foreign country because of course, in spite of his birth certificate, which is an expert fake concocted by allies who manipulated media to create Barack Hussein Obama as a candidate in the first place - brainwashing you all - he was born somewhere else. In another fucking dimension, I know, but you don't know that, you only feel it. The big trick is, though - he doesn't believe a word of it, because he's got a personal relationship with the alien space god through his connections as the pan-dimensional messiah of hope and change. It's a good train; get on it.

He's gay, too. He's a gayesque bisexual pansexual straight guy who's just cool enough to get it on with anything that moves, and he's going to force the omnisexual agenda down the throats of all straight people everywhere like a load from a fully fluffed and hung damn ready pornstar just waiting to pump you full of hot ideological ejaculate that will disgust you all and damn you to hell and erode gender lines and whatever else you're afraid of, because that's what he is - the embodiment of all your fears, phobia made flesh, walking, talking, looking cooler than you, staying calm, cool and collected, a near-emotionless robot drone on a mission to bomb your America into dust and replace it with conspiracy Shadow America, waiting just beneath the surface - a quick left and you're there.

The media sold you a comprehensive nightmare, and you all bought in, with your hysteria and your need for change and promise of a new day - and you'll get it, cold sweating and wrapped in chintzy sheets under a steel-cold dawn and riding on the back of a mongrel demon from places you can't bear to consider. We know you believe it, and for you that's like knowing, and in the swirl of thoughts that echo in your brainpan you can't exactly nail down but you know you're in a nightmare of filth and lies and you can't figure out how this happened and you're surrounded all the time.

Your madness is real. Obama is the impossible sum of all of these things. Nightmare made flesh.

It's all under control.

Have a nice day.

Advice to Republican Friends

Republican friends and family of mine who read this blog - both of you (rimshot) - think of this as an intervention. Because I care. Well. In an abstract way that crunchy hippie nice people friends of mine compel me to care. I care because I have to.

On this blog, you may have noticed, I frequently use rudely sophomoric grammar constructions to not-so-subtly imply that Republicans are deplorably immoral, stupid, socially backward, and often crazy. "Right wingnuts," "Republicunts" and "Republican'ts" are a few of these; there are others if you go and look. I made it through the entire Dubya presidency wthout ever referring to him by his given name, opting for the more descriptively accurate "Dubya Monkeyface." The time for these half-assedly witty monikers is coming to an end, though - soon, all a citizen of these United States will need to utter in order to connote a tragically lowered intelligence, fried logic and societally unacceptable levels of craziness will be "Republican." It'll be a derogatory term all by its lonesome, and how long do you want to be associated with that? There's already an "R-word," so I don't even know how we'll discuss you people and call elections once your name is a slur - but I'm looking forward to it.

You, individually, on the other hand, should get out now, while the getting's good. It might already be too late - I don't know if you can escape a tornado of bullshit like what's being spouted from this incontinent elephant's ass without getting a little of it on you. Let's face it; the GOP (and its bastard child, the Tea Party) in this country has long been a shelter for those who don't give a fuck for anyone but themselves and have a need to justify this propensity by associating themselves with something that looks like an ideology, or failing that, surrounding themselves with similarly inclined people. (I would have said "like-minded," and in fact, went back and replaced it, because it implies a mind at work, and I'm not certain that's accurate.)

You can prove a Republican doesn't care about anyone but himself with any argument, but I'm going to use gun control, because it gives me an excuse to draw attention to this before it drops out of the public memory forever. Only Republican conservative thinking would argue, in the wake of multiple instances of gun violence that people should maintain relatively unfettered access to guns, because of course, they don't want to give up their rights to guns. They'll tell you that it's because guns don't kill people - which is true, but it would be a lot fucking harder to build houses if you banned bricks and mortar. They'll also try to whip out the 2nd Amendment on you, but that was 221 years ago and a flat backward refusal to re-evaluate texts after that long a period is religion, not governance.

Some solid examples of backward-ass thinking have come from the Repubbies this week, which is why I think it might be time for you rats to get the hell off the ship. First up is Missouri Rep. Todd Akin, who shared with us what happens when you speak using your ass instead of your head with his now famous definition of rape biology: "It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down." This begs all kind of questions: How the fuck did this guy get elected? I mean, I know Missouri votes for dead people, but come on. Who are these doctors; Mengele, Doom and Frankenstein? How does a "legitimate" rape differ from an illegitimate one? Is there a 'level of effort' consideration here? Finally, the female body does have ways "to try to shut the whole thing down;" they're called mace, knives, keys, fists, and self-defense classes. Also, they can vote against Republicans like your dumbass self. Maybe you could for once focus on the male body's way of shutting the whole thing down - NOT RAPING PEOPLE. Why don't you address that, halfwit?

Predictably, a firestorm of criticism - some sincere and some staged for effect - landed on Akin's goober head and everyone short of the Ghost of Abe Lincoln himself condemned Akin's comments, including Romney, who has to. Everyone's calling on him to step down and stop running, but true to the monomaniacally zealous thinking of current Republicans, he's staying in there, not giving a shit if anyone thinks he should. There's a point at which sticking to your guns in the face of adversity becomes bull-headed arrogant jackassery, and that point is distantly fading in Akin's rear-view.

Today Akin got some help from Iowa Republican Steve King, (co-sponsor of the "redefining rape" bill from last year with Akin and Eddie Munster-looking mook Paul Ryan) who contributed his own turd of wisdom to the conversation by stating "I've never heard of a girl getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest." He went on to say that he'd be open to a conversation on the subject, but that no one had ever presented this information to him in any personal way. So he's a maniac, but he needs to have his offices filled up with people who've had to deal with pregnancies caused by statutory rape or incest, just so he can't say shit like this again. Theoretically. I mean, it won't work, because facts aren't part of the equation with Republicans - beliefs are WAY more important.

As demonstrated by the Texas Republican Party platform's language which now includes this little nugget: "We oppose the teaching of higher order thinking skills, critical thinking skills, and similar programs that are simply a re-labeling of Outcome Based Education which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student's fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority." Really, this is just the first step to "Slavery is Freedom, War is Peace," but you would have had to have read Orwell's 1984 to know that, and Republicans don't read anything not ghostwritten for one of their radio or TV talking heads. This is the crown jewel of ignorance for the GOP, and it's astonishing that it comes from the state that de facto controls our textbook standards nationwide.

So Republicans in Texas are against higher order and critical thinking skills, because those things frighten them with the questions and whatnot. You can tell they don't like questions, because they're also against early childhood education - one wonders how they handle "Why is the sky blue" when their unfortunate kids ask that one. To answer accurately is to educate. Hmmm. I think these are people who could have used some additional behavior modification - and what's so wrong with that, anyway? What do you dickheads imagine (if you can imagine) laws and social mores are for? They've been modifying my behavior for other people's benefit since 1974. Finally, no one - and especially not a child - should have any belief that is "fixed." If it's fixed against data, discussion, facts and reason, it's wrong; it's a stick lodged in the ass of idiocy, and you pricks stuck it there.

O, jump! Republicans, jump while you can from the ship of the USS GOP - it is a crippled and perilously listing craft; escape into the icy waters of thinking for yourself - board another ship if you wish, but please don't lash yourself to the mast of stupidity as the whirlpool consumes you!

Mitts Off!

I don't know if any of the rest of you do this, but for about a dozen years now I've subscribed not only to the emails and such of those political candidates and causes I support, but also all of the emails and updates of all the bastards, too.  I started doing this on the advice of my great friend and mentor Mike Basford, who obviously thought that maintaining an informational conduit from one's enemy was more important than maintaining one's low blood pressure.

I tend to agree, even when the emails infuriate me, and when they come up extremely anti-person (pick your poison) I sometimes delete without finishing. They're an extremely useful window into the tiny, tiny minds of the opposition, however, and particularly useful when you hear some dittohead parroting an argument you know the rightwingnuts already packaged for them in a talking points email blast. Many a time I've found myself in a ridiculous pseudo-political argument thinking, "You don't know if that's true, you only know that your dark lords say it is."  Ron Paul's people are the worst for this, by the way. They just puke up the party line like they've been thinking about it for years, and it's verbatim from emails and flyers if you just look. I think they rehearse in front of their Ron Paul alters at home.

Today I got one that's really amusing (to me), so I thought I'd share it - it's from Mitt Romney, whose email outclasses the NRA's "the whole rest of the world's trying like hell to take our guns" paranoia by a country mile. As follows, then:

Squidbag,

The stakes are too high this election to sit idle -- that’s why we’re inviting you to get involved and become a MyMitt member. MyMitt members will make all the difference this election as we take on Obama’s campaign machine.
 
Become a part of Team Romney by signing up for a MyMitt account here http://www.mittromney.com/action.
 
As a MyMitt account member, you can find out about campaign events in your area, sign up to volunteer, make calls from home to get out the vote, fundraise online, and so much more.
 
This is a critical election -- and with your help and support, we will be ready to take back the White House.
 
Sign up to join MyMitt today:http://www.mittromney.com/action.
 
Thanks.
 
Zac Moffatt
Digital Director 
Romney for President

Okay: "MyMitt" is just really funny for any number of reasons: he's such a flip-flopper that he's infinitely adaptable, and it sounds really kind of gross are a couple off the top of my head.  I think it's the proximity of the word "mitt" to the word "member." Not seeing stuff like that is why they can run a guy named Bush right next to a guy named Dick and not giggle. Second: "Obama machine?" Who's outspending who again? Also, when you miss a chance to just render the construction "Obamachine," you'll never have my vote. I'm amused with Zac's title, which makes him sound like a character from Tron, and I like to think that it stands for Zone-specific Acquisition Contact, because no normal income humans - much like in Scientology - would go to work for Romney.

So yeah, if you sign up for "MyMitt" action committee, you can do all the work for Romney that if you're signing up, you would have done anyway. But, you'll get a coupon for a percentage off in the RomneyStore, which you don't need, as you're rich, you Romney supporting fuck. Check it out, though, 'cause that smug bastard's coming after your mom.

States of Stupidity

I wasn't previously aware of it, but apparently, there's a big contest going on to see which of the United(?) States is the stupidest fucking one we have, and then they've agreed to crop-dust it with painkillers, pop music, booze, bombs, sterilizing agents and lethal radiation.  Not really, but I wish that sometimes.

ILLINOIS: Illinois got their entry in early, when a Catholic Bishop (not one of those firebrand MethoBaptiChrister fucks) said that President Obama was waging a cultural war on religion, and that Catholic Masses could go the way of the dinosaur under his administration, comparing him to Hitler and Stalin, a comparison that one thinks would probably have upset Hitler and Stalin.  This entry is under review, of course, due to the automatic review process started with any evocation of Godwin's Law.  (His language about Christians huddling and hiding solely in the confines of their churches gave me a funny little tingle, though.)

ARIZONA: Arizona's entry came in last week, when its lawmakers decided that life begins two weeks before conception, or roughly when married couples with kids start making plans to spend time together alone with the barest possibility of sex. The idea here, of course, is to limit a woman's right to an abortion even further, where soon only women who aren't pregnant will be able to get them.  The determinant is an impossible to accomplish overreaction to a perceived problem - just like all other recent Arizona legislation.

KANSAS: Not to be outdone, Gov. Sam Brownback signed a bill this month making it legal for pharmacists to refuse to sell any drug to a woman that they believed could cause an abortion.  Now, if Dorothy wakes up from a threesome with a munchkin, a flying monkey and the Scarecrow, there's no morning after pill for her unless she knows her non-asshole pharmacist personally.  Proponents of the ruling describe it as a furtherance of previously standing laws making it clear that no one should be required to participate in abortions, which is interesting, since by denying Dorothy the drugs, you're just about requiring that she participate in an actual abortion.  The obvious natural extension of this law would restrict the sales of certain herbs, teas, coat hangers and bleach.

FLORIDA: The marching band at Florida A&M has been forced to suspend its program for another year after some of the band members beat a guy to death during fucking hazing.  I don't even know why we have the word hazing, since bullying is synonymous and everyone's angry about that.  Hazing is just bullying to see if you're good enough for the bullies; you want to affect change, call it what the hell it is. They're proposing a lot of staff and rules changes before the band can come back - strangely missing: Prohibiting Hazing.

NEW YORK: The Republicunt Party there has nominated the estranged husband of a current Democratic assembly member from Nassau County to run against her this fall.  This couple shares the same last name still and has been separated for less than a year, but the folks responsible for this little American travesty of marriage and politics assure us that Schmucko the Candidate "will run a dignified and issue-oriented campaign."  I don't know how many divorced and divorcing couples you've ever been around in your life, but I can smell the bullshit on this one from here.  They can't even order lunch together mostly, much less run against one another for office.  Congrats, NY GOP - you just turned this race into an episode of Maury fucking Povitch.

OKLAHOMA: Republican Congressman James Lankford recently told a reporter that not only does he still believe homosexuality is a choice, but that if one makes that choice, one ought to be fired from one's job, which is going to be awesome when they catch him with an officeful of rent boys.  Seems to me, though, the worst thing about being gay is that it makes straight people fucking stupid.  Since Obama's support of gay marriage from last week, there's just been a slew of outright ignorance and stupidity flying around, and sometimes, you hear someone like Lankford, who, as an elected official, enters his state in the contest with his comments.

TENNESSEE: Flying high on the strength of the ongoing efforts by the Mosqueteers, Tennessee's governor Bill HasBeen decided to essentially outlaw "gateway sexual activity" in an effort to reduce teen pregnancies. Presumably, this would cover hugging, kissing, touching, necking, fondling, touching, dry humping, over clothing handjobs and rubbing, touching, and lots of kinds of sitting and dancing.  I got news for you, Bill: You REALLY want to see a jump in teen sexual activity?  Take away all of the stuff on this list. Tell people they can't do it, and watch frustration levels climb until people are just like, "Fuck it, let's fuck.  That's not illegal."  Yet.

A couple of honorable mentions, here: Pastor Paul Cameron, working for the Family Research Council out of our nation's capitol, grabs his lectern and says that he thinks the President is gay and that gays should be locked up before they rape kids - so, by extension, the President needs to be in preventative gay kid rape prison.  I can't remember any time before in my life that the right was this desperate: "He's not from America!  No?  Okay, he's a Muslim, then!  No?  He's gay?  Yeah, let's try that."  There's also international stupidity going on when Lady Gaga has to cancel a sold-out show in Indonesia because Islamic lawmakers think she'll corrupt the youth with sexiness.  I'm pretty sure that's her whole act - how did this show get booked in the first place?  Also, out of Britain, John Limey Horrorface declares that white people in charge of shit historically works best and is the way to go, embracing the term "White Supremacist."  I gotta be honest, here - I sometimes no longer know if conservative pundits know they're being ridiculous.  Did he think there was a point to be made here, or did he just wake up pissed at non-whites one day?

I'm not sure when the voting in the contest takes place, you'll have to check with my office staff.

Robertson: Fuck You, Tornado Victims

On what has previously been a bastion of balanced and sane programming, the 700 Club, maniac and complete fuckwit Pat Robertson took a break from having God talk to him to condemn people who build houses where tornadoes might come while also claiming that God was responsible for tornadoes without being responsible for them.

It breaks down like this: See, God makes tornadoes when a group of air of one temperature meets a group of another temperature, and they are used by God to siphon hot air away from Earth, since presumably, tornadoes extend into space, but any damage they cause during that process is the fault of stupid, stupid people who build things anywhere in Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Texas, Missouri, Arkansas, Louisiana, Nebraska, Kansas, or really, about a third of the United States.  Now you could build stuff that might be knocked down by tornadoes there, but you'd have to pray really hard that God would divert the tornadoes from your stuff, and if your stuff got knocked flat or you died, it's your fault because you didn't pray hard enough.

Got that?  Because Robertson also believes that Sandra Fluke is a fornicator who'd like others to pay for it (and that Rush was "a little over the top" in talking about it), that the earthquakes in Haiti happened because that country's founders made a deal with the devil, that 9/11 could be blamed on lesbians, abortionists, the ACLU, and others who disagree with him and Jerry Falwell, made money off of Hurricane Katrina, and is financially linked to Charles Taylor, Mobuto Sese Seko, and blood diamonds. In addition, God frequently talks to Pat (who's real name is Marion, so he went with the far more masculine 'Pat') and has recently told him who will win the 2012 Presidential race. 

Poppycock, all of it.  Everyone knows that tornadoes are formed when the hot air from doorknobs like Robertson and his ilk collides with cold truth.  Whatta maroon.

American Family Tradition

I heard someone the other day talking about this story, which is how I became aware of it at all.

President Obama's half-uncle - which I'm still a little lost on, and I've spent some time this morning looking at this: I think he's Obama's grandmother's kid by someone not Obama's grandfather?   Anyway, this guy, variously known as Omar or Onyango Obama (which doesn't help, those AKAs), who's related to the President, gets pulled over for a rolling stop which causes a police cruiser to almost hit him and then gets picked up for DUI.  Wow.  Then, they find out that he's here illegally, having been issued deportation orders in 1989 and 1992, and possibly having illegally obtained work documentation. Extra wow.  Fucking Fox is probably having a field day with this one.  This all happened last year, but the case is due in front of the judge this week, and all of a sudden it's a majorly-searched-for news story.  There are also the extra wrinkles of Omar talking about "calling the White House" as he's being arrested, which his attorneys are trying to suppress, and the driving record of the cop who was going through the intersection apparently without looking and had to swerve to avoid Druncle Omar.

It's not a good week for driving in the extended Obama family either, because you've got Obama's grandmother heading off the road in Kenya, but she wasn't driving and she's 90, so this is kind of a non-story.  Unless, of course, you're the braindead fucks I hear talking about this shit because they hate the President and if you can't talk about what he did wrong, you can go after the family, and the uncle's got some undeniable problems, especially since he's not the first illegal Obama in the country, though the aunt has since been granted asylum.  Frequent readers of this blog will remember that I don't give a shit about illegal immigration, so this is non-issue for me, but I know others give a giant pointy shit, so it'll stick around for awhile.

Embarrassing relatives are a Presidential family tradition, though.  Anyone remember President Bush, who had that idiot moron son, President Bush?  That guy started a multi-front war on an abstract, fucked the economy and made the world hate America.  That's embarrassing.  Of course, the Bushes had Neil, Jenna and the other one, too.  There's Reagan being embarrassed by Ron, Jr. who was into ballet, atheism and being lefty.  What about Roger Clinton, half brother of President Clinton? Remember that guy with the cocaine?  No, the other guy.  And what about BIlly Carter, who drank himself to death on his own beer and took money from Libya?  Or LBJs brother who basically got locked up in the White House? Or the 5000 fucking Kennedys?  Of course, if you reach back far enough, we've got Grover Cleveland's bastard & Sally Hemings, who I count as family.

I think these things are stories because it makes people in positions of power look normal; human again.  We've all got embarrassing family, we can all relate.  At least Obama's uncle didn't have a dog on top of the car when he ran that stop sign.

Obama So TOTALLY Muslim

Today Barack Obama admitted totally to being a Muslim because he apologized to Afghan President Hamid Karzai for the burning of Korans by American soldiers at Khogyani Air Base in Afghanistan.  In a letter expressing "deep regret" over the incident, Obama (shown here donning the Saudi Order of Totally Being a Fucking Muslim) completely buckled to pressures from his fellow Muslim leader, at last giving in and exposing himself for what many Americans had always suspected: A tool for jihad, wielded by the hands of Allah.

In performing the ritual and required act of apology as dictated on page 5 of the Koran manual, Obama shows his allegiance to Islam in all of its forms, and repudiates any affiliation with love, freedom, or non-Muslim religions. Later, in a press conference given at the ruins of what was, until midday today a Christian house of worship, Obama declared: "As we have pulled down the cross of your Christ, we will pull down His nation, and the Crescent of Islam will fly over Washington, D.C.  Saracens fill the halls of power, your American infidel way of life as you understood it is over.  Allahu akbar."  He then wound a turban around his head and brandished an AK-47 at the audience.

He did not, as the socialist liberal news media will no doubt attempt to spin, attempt to defuse a situation between a group of dumbass mercenary punks committing a stupid and deliberately inflammatory (yeah, you like that one?) act and a country full of religious zealots who think a book of fairy tales is more important than the life of even one human being.  Riots and investigations, calls for death and destruction, 14 dead.  I want you to go back and look at the hatred on the faces of those children in the link above.  I want you to realize that idiots, censors, Nazis & Klansmen burned books, and that these guys would have to know what they would set off, because it happens every time.

Went a different direction there at the end, didn't I?

Ron Paul Problems

(I almost entitled this post "I got 99 Problems But Ron Paul Ain't One.")

I have friends who have friends who are for Ron Paul for President in 2012.  I don't have any friends who are for him, and if you are my friend and you are for him when you finish reading this, then one of those things has to change.  When I walk around my college campus, students - who traditionally are at the crazy end of liberal - have flyered all over for a man who has one of the most conservative voting records around, presumably because he'd let them keep their weed, which is a fuckheaded reason to vote for someone, and bolsters an already negative stereotype about marijuana users.

Seemingly rational people are for Ron Paul.  Don't be fooled, though. It's like when you get three hours into a conversation with someone and you kind of dig them and then they cop to being "born again" or Raelian or Scientologist or they believe in ghosts or tattoo their kids for ID purposes.  It spoils everything.

So I'd like an explanation.  If you're a Ron Paul supporter, which is akin to being an athletic supporter and smells about the same, and fancy yourself to be a reasonable person, I invite you to clear up a couple of things for me.

"LIBERTARIAN": What the fuck is Paul, exactly?  I mean, I know he's supposed to be this sort of libertarian in a Republican mask that we all know is fake, but he isn't, not really.  He's off script too much.  He's so far from their platform that other people are looking for him in the crowd. Really, he's just an 80s-style "Get Big Government Off Our Backs" Republican wearing a special pin, and chatting up abolishing the Fed and preaching against Big Brother.  So yeah: prove he's a libertarian. Youse can start there. In the meantime:

ABORTION: Dr. Paul, the former OB-GYN, is a staunch opponent of abortion (except for in cases of "honest rape," which I'm not even going to get into) and therefore supports limiting the rights of women to control their own reproductive freedom.  As a quasi-libertarian, this is a strange position to take, one that limits liberty. He takes this position because he says that due to his many years as a OB-GYN, he's convinced that life begins at conception.  This is a bit like a lifelong chef having strong and global opinions about the ethics of using spinach, and then running for office to enforce those ideas about spinach on others. Dr. Paul would overturn Roe v. Wade if that were ever in his power.  So - if you're a woman who supports Ron Paul, I hope you're religious and believe that life begins at conception, because otherwise you're simply voting to curtail your own rights.

GAY RIGHTS: While Ron claims that he favors "any voluntary association" between two people, he also has this libertarianesque hang-up where he thinks that marriage is a sacrament (which is interesting because it would seem to imply that those without religion shouldn't marry) and that the state shouldn't involve itself at all in marriages.  He has the right people mad at him about this, too.  However. While he does not support any constitutional amendment defining marriage, he defines it as "between a man and a woman," and says that gays can "call it whatever they want."  So he's not for it. He urges people to look it up in the dictionary if they need to define it. His old newsletters have yearned for the days of closeted homosexuals, he thought that DADT was a "decent policy" and then voted to have it overturned.  What the fuck, Ron?  I have a guess on this one.  Ron's the kind of old guy who's icked out by gays, and as long as he doesn't have to hear about it, is fine with them doing whatever the fuck they want. The problem with this is that it automatically relegates homosexuals to the status of second-class citizens. So - if you're a member of the GLBTQIAlphabet soup community, and you're voting for Ron Paul, you're voting to make yourself into a less present member of our society.

GUNS: Paul would repeal the Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, gets an "A" from the NRA on a regular basis, and really wouldn't restrict your rights to have guns whenever and wherever you want. If you think more guns make America awesome, Paul's your man.  The best part of this is The Gun Owners of America, who exist because they think the NRA "sold out" on the gun issue in the US, that big bunch of pansies. The quote at the top of their webpage?  "The only no-compromise gun lobby in Washington. Ron Paul."  'Cause they have guns, and people with guns shouldn't have to compromise.

RACISM: Paul claims to be against racism, while his old newsletters (yes, again) have printed openly racist statements that, whether he wrote them or not, he later defended.  He's also openly associated with known racist activists. His basis for being against things like Affirmative Action is that it is a form of reverse racism (I would argue that it should more accurately be defined as a form of reparations, and you can take issue with that if you like) and that he opposes the "obsession with racial identity."  Which is one of those things only white people say, because we don't think about it, because we don't have to. No one's giving me shit for being white while I'm out for the day.  If you're black and voting for Ron Paul, be aware that he doesn't like you very much.

IMMIGRATION: Paul doesn't like Mexicans much, either. He voted for the Secure Fence Act of '06, he's for killing ALL health benefits (including emergency room care) to people illegally in this country, and he doesn't think anyone born to an illegal should have US Citizenship.  Wonder where the Paul family is from originally?  They must be native Americans.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Just not a big problem for Ron Paul, who's one of those annoying people who doesn't quite accept it, but won't land on a definite position, either. Mostly, he doesn't care:  "I think war and financial crises and big governments marching into our homes and elimination of habeas corpus — those are immediate threats. We’re about to lose our whole country and whole republic! If we can be declared an enemy combatant and put away without a trial, then that’s going to affect a lot of us a lot sooner than the temperature going up." That's right, Ron - our country is a lot more important than the planet it's on.

ENDING THE FED: Possibly the position he's best known for, and the one that a great many of his supporters are really proud of. He's got books you can read on it and everything.  In them, and in his various speeches, he claims that putting an end to the Fed would end the cycle of recessions and depressions (there is no evidence to support this, and he doesn't give any that I can find), that it would end inflation (as a long-term upward trend, yes, but not entirely, and deflation would be more drastic without controls) and that it would "end corruption between government and banks that virtually defines the operations of public policy."  Ending the Fed ends corruption?  Really?  Does it bring fairies and unicorns out to play in the fields of sparkly fun, too?  Do I get my own gold flying pig?  This one I really don't get, because he's either naive or lying, to say out loud than any single action could end corruption. It's like he needed one more argument and so he made one up.  The place where he's standing here - a platform made of prudence and responsibility - sounds good, but this is a wrongheaded approach fueled by creepy economists I admittedly only partially understand.  But I know enough to be able to say it won't work, Paulists.

And then there's some other stuff, but I've already got almost 1400 words on the subject, so it's your turn.  I can't do everything for you, but I hope you'll do this for yourselves; Renounce your support of Ron fucking Paul.  It's not worth it just for the cool stickers.  If you feel outsidery, then vote Batman or Eli Manning or yourself, or your friend's mom or something, 'cause if you keep voting for Paul he's going to think you like him, and he'll never stop until the doors are broken down and America's brain is totally eaten away.

Pontius Palin

No, it's no surprise. In fact, if I surveyed some random people on the street and said, "Pick a person in American life who said some ridiculous shit today," most of them would say, "Sarah Palin?" And they'd be right. She is the Grand High Royal Queen of Stupid Bullshit.  I have spoken.  Her comparing Newt Gingrich to Christ is not shocking - she probably has equal respect for both.  And it might even be kind of a leap to say that's what she's doing; the Romans also nailed up criminals.  Maybe that's what she's saying.

No, the astounding thing is that John Stossel still has a career.  I mean, I was glad when I stopped seeing him on television, and I forgot that he existed until I saw this clip.  Faux News'll take any old schmoe, huh?  Anyway, I was shocked by the Stossel.

No, it's the assertion by the Palin that the people who are most to blame for Newt's political crucifixion are "the establishment, the liberal media, and the progressives and Democrats."  Okay - first off, I haven't heard from an actual real-life progressive in the media in ages, and the only ones I actually know anymore pretty much all live in Wisconsin, where they're interested in working on taking out Scott Walker - they could give a fuck and a fourth for Leaky Leroy Gingrich.  Secondly, I would have thought that a former GOP governor and VP candidate would be pretty "establishment," so that's confusing at best.  I mean, I know she still thinks she's a rogue outsider maverick, but no one else thinks that, do they?  Then there's that old "liberal media" saw, stuck into a phrase with "Democrats."  By my reckoning, the people doing the most to nail Newt up are Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney, and while Romney talks & acts like a Dem sometimes, he's not one, and Rick is about as Republican as you get, what with all the hate.

No, it's those Republican guys with the hammers, not us.

No.

GOProblems

Mitt Romney is too rich & entitled to be President.  The man had a Swiss bank account, and pays far less (as a percentage) in taxes than even most rich people, taking advantage of loopholes in the tax code.  You would, too; that's not the problem.  The biggest reason that you should care about this?  You know in your heart that people have to be a little fucked-up to want to be POTUS in the first place, and all that you can really do is pick the kind of fuckedupedness with which you can best deal.  The reason that you really don't want a Romney in the White House is because Romneys are like Bushes; they come from well-established conservative political families with a legacy amongst the Republicans, and they feel, emotionally, that they're entitled to seats of power, having sat their asses in well-upholstered ones their whole lives.  You really want a rich guy in the White House who's mainly there because he wanted to add it to his collection?

Likewise, Newt Gingrich, who just wants to fuck the country until it can't take it anymore, then throw it over for whoever can handle the sheer Newtness.  Nothing in Newt's approach would indicate that he's ever been wrong, ever.  Not when the government shut down on his watch, not when he blasted Clinton for fucking around whilst he was fucking around, and certainly not while he was working hard to get laid with America and a bunch of wives in his way.  Newt wants to turn back the clock to the idyllic days of poor people in their place, child labor, and gay sisters you don't talk to.  Newt's living in the past - he talks like Nixon, and he's got a "21st Century Contract with America" on his website.

Before 2000, I would have said that Rick Santorum is too stupid to be President, but Dubya Monkeyface showed just how goddamn dumb you could be and still sort of do that job.  Now, there is no bar.  Reading through (p)Rick's positions on the issues is like reading a pamphlet you found under some loose ammo on the dashboard of the truck that was parked outside where the shootings occurred: more guns, less gays, more babies, fewer rights, God's awesome, America's the best.  NUMBER ONE, BABY!  YEAH!  And then, just when you think CREEP is the worst acronym you'll ever hear, he does this.  Rick Santorum, whose last name has already come to mean this, launches CUM.  Launches it!  HA!

And then there's Ron Paul, who has so thoroughly brainwashed the students at my University that they flyer the school for this putzwang.  It's easier to scare than to convince, and when you shout "BIG BROTHER!" at a susceptible generation of people over and over again - going out of your way to create a free campaign ad of opportunity at an airport with your likeminded son - eventually, they begin to overlook that you have no plan for what happens when Libertarianism creates problems for lots of people at the fringes of society, and that you're a racist homophobe (really) who doesn't like people very much.  I mean, I don't like people very much, but I'm not running for office.  He's like The Smiler's doddering half-crazy uncle.

So where does that leave you if you want to vote GOP?  Resigned, confused, screwed?  Could it be, maybe, that the guy you're all disgusted with right now is still the best choice?  That the cult of personality is a mythology surrounding a kernel of truth?  I don't know, but only a complete shithead would vote for one of these guys.