As I've mentioned elsewhere, I get the NRA emails under the "know thy enemy" principle espoused by Mike Basford via Sun Tzu. Today's missive (hitting my inbox at 12:38am, no doubt to get out in front of this) was especially frothworthy, so I thought all of you should be entitled to it, along with my biting and incisive commentary thereupon. Trust me, it'll blend in so well, you'll think me and Wayne had a conversation. Words of Wayne in subtle, blood-hued RED.
SQUIDBAG,
It's not about protecting children. It's not about stopping crime.
Well, Jeez, Wayne – what's it all about?
It's about banning your guns…PERIOD!
That's an exclamation point, Wayne.
Last week, NRA sat in on a White House meeting that was sold to the public as an "open discussion" about how to improve school safety. But that was a dirty lie.
Not just a lie. A “dirty lie.” A dirty, dirty lie. A dirty lie that needs a spanking. As opposed to all of the clean lies we always hear.
They didn' listen to gun owners' concerns…they didn' consider any real solutions on how we can keep our kids safe…instead Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and their gun ban allies in Congress only want to BLAME you, VILIFY you, BULLY you, and STRIP you of your Second Amendment freedoms.
This is interesting. Seemingly without realizing it, Wayne effortlessly switches from talking about the past tense event – the meeting (after some alarming formatting errors and groundless assertions) to standard present-tense ALL CAPS rhetoric about second amendment “freedoms.” Could be just a reflex. That choice of language is interesting, too. A “freedom.” Not a “right.” A right is inherent, a freedom is granted, and can be restricted under certain circumstances without real harm, yes? Impinging upon a right is a basic human violation, but restricted freedoms are something that normal, rational people who enjoy society consent to every day. But let's read more of Wayne:
Right now, they're steamrolling ahead with legislation that would ban your guns, register your ammunition purchases, and even force you to register the firearms you already own with Obama's anti-gun bureaucrats.
Apparently, you'll only be made to register them with Obama's anti-gun bureaucrats, instead of some state-based or national registry, which'll keep the Nazis from rounding them up when the shit hits the fan; I mean, if there's no central list, and just some registration happening with some of Obama's socialist crunchy cronies, there's nothing to worry about, right? I mean bureaucracies are legendary for their inefficiency and foot-dragging - how good can these records even be?
I warned you this day was coming and now it's here. This is the fight of the century and I need you on board with NRA now more than ever.
He warned you. Oh, god, he warned you. YOU were goddamn WARNED. This makes Wayne sound like one of those “END IS NIGH” guys with a sandwich board and a grudge, pounding the concrete and preaching bile. Which, in a way...
I urge you to renew or upgrade your NRA membership as soon as possible. If it's more convenient for you to do so online, you can follow this link: www.NRA.org/StandAndFight.
Now is the time when I need you and every gun owner to put an NRA membership card in your wallet and STAND AND FIGHT for our freedom. No one can take your place at the front lines of this battle…if we lose now, we lose everything.
The card is what you show vicious revenuers who show up at your door looking to register your weapons, take your freedom, and provoke another Ruby Ridge. It wards off gum'ment people like garlic does vampires. See, it shows that you chose to STAND and FIGHT instead of rolling over for the G-Men, and that scares them off. They run from that card.
Also, to him, guns are everything. He says it right here. There's no having a conversation with that.
The media has been on a vicious tirade to slander and intimidate you, me, and our fellow NRA members. We've been called terrorists and worse.
Actually, you guys are doing a pretty good job of acting like gibbering maniacs all by your lonesome, no help required from the media, who let's face it, couldn't intimidate anyone these days. When people go on video yelling and screaming hateful words and incendiary rhetoric and then they couple those together with actual threats of gun violence, the only thing missing from the terrorist's resume at that point is the actual murderous act. Are you expecting us to wait until you fruitbaskets actually do something violent to respond? 'Cause let me tell you, that runs 90 degrees into this “let's keep a registry of mentally ill people and stop them from gun violence before they start” argument you guys are trotting out lately. That one's already T-boned Constitutional rights (the ones you invoke and misinterpret to keep guns but conveniently forget when it involves privacy and fair trial for other folks) so hard the logic's all wonky, but logic's not a big thing for the NRA, is it?
ONLY the NRA could take a logical argument so simple that it's nearly a mathematical expression and ignore it. Fewer guns results in less gun violence. Done. Of course, the NRA disagrees, and would attempt to argue that people would still have just as many babies without fucking, watch more televisions with fewer TVs, and get fat eating less food. But let's move on.
They've blamed us and our Second Amendment freedoms for the actions of violent criminals and madmen. Our lives have been threatened.
Aw, threatened? By people with guns? Poor Wayne. He's afraid, and all that will soothe him is a cold steel phallus, smelling of cordite, lead and oil. I wonder if Wayne would feel less threatened if we took guns completely out of the equation. Granted, someone can still kill you with a knife or explosive, so we should regulate the kinds of those that are available. Oh, wait. We do. We actually keep track of how much fertilizer and cold medicine people buy, but tracking bullets would be a major problem. Knives are only somewhat restricted, but knife attacks are way less lethal than gun attacks, this from someone who's lived through both. (I just realized, I have a pretty good resume for this argument.) But Wayne's standing strong:
But I won' let these brutal and bitterly personal attacks on you and me go unchallenged. I'll fight freedom's enemies. I'll fight to make our schools safer. And I'll fight for your fundamental right to self-defense and your sacred Right to Keep and Bear Arms.
Okay: Wayne wants to make schools safer by adding guns, which is kind of like making traffic safer by adding cars. Also? I can handle my “fundamental right to self-defense” with my knobby hands, an aluminium bat, a big stick or the knife rack in my kitchen. It's harder to kill someone bare-handed, but then there's also less chance of bullets going through drywall and erasing one of my kids or my wife from the planet, too. Guns are the weapons of the commitment phobic, Wayne: the violent bastard who's weak or afraid of a little intimacy in his violence. Man up and take a self-defense class. Get in touch with your fucking feelings.
But my strength, and the strength of our entire NRA organization comes from you and your strong commitment to our membership. I need you in our corner TODAY.
Strength through unity. And cash. Shameless appeal for more dough to be used on propaganda.
Thank you for your friendship and your support. Your letters and your words of encouragement mean more to me than you could ever imagine.
I find it hard to believe these “letters and words of encouragement” exist. I demand proof.
Together, we will defend our freedom.
Wayne LaPierre
Executive Vice President
www.NRA.org
We'll let Eddie Izzard end this one: "Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)."